Lecture.

The plan is that I am going to start lecturing about mental health in late August or early Septemeber. I thought I’d walk you through my plan, I’m not done with it but any how, I’m publishing it officially e here.
Please enjoy and leave your thoughts.

My reason for lecturing:
I have many reasons actually. I want to help people that’s suffering or knows someone that’s suffeing because of their mental health, which also means I want to reach out to the world letting them know that they are not alone. If I help one person they can help another and so on, in the same time it’s a way for me to deal with my past and trauma and such. I also want to spread knowledge and understanding about people’s mental health.

Who I am:
After introducing my lecture I’ll move on to who I am. My name, age, where I’m from, my intrests. My goals in life etc.

What I’ve been through:
On this subject I’ll talk about things that made me who I am, what I’ve been through. Trauma, medical history, my relationship with my parents etc.

Reason behind my mental health:
Here I’ll go more into what caused my mental problems, what caused my diagnosis.

My turn in life:
This one is the most important to me of what I’m going to talk about. Music, more specific Green Day. How they changed my life, how they opened my eyes, ears, heart, feelings and made me realized that what was going on was far from ok. On this subject I’ll talk about what music can do for you, in many possible ways, but mostly I’ll talk about Green Day. Also I’ll talk about how I found God, just it isn’t the main point here.

Selfharm and suicide attempts:
About this I’m going to talk about my selfharm and over a 100 suicide attempts. I’m not going to much about how and what I’ve done to myself but I’m going to talk about why. Drugs, alcohol is going to be brought up here as well.

Friends and family’s reaction:
This one speaks for it self. I’m going to talk about how the people near me has reacted.

My health today:
Sure it still goes up and down, with my diagnosis that’s the only way it goes, but I know who I am, how I work and what I’m like when I have my good periods. This subject will be about focusing on the good things in my life.

If others need help:
This one is the last. I will talk about what you can do for someone who is depressed etc, the signs and my own experience with people around me suffering because of their mental health.

After this I’ll leae information where they can get a hold of me.

All these are really important, both to me and others.
And of course it will be a trigger warning before I begin.

Leave a comment or contact me on mail/social media if there’s any questions or something you think I should talk about. That includes your own experience if you want to, I can’t promise that it will come up, but I’ll have it in mind.

Thank you.

Views.

I’ve checked my statistics, wow! There’s a lot of countries that have checked out/read my blog.

For some of them being: Sweden, USA, India, UK, Italy France, Greece, Colombia, Ghana and Japan.

That must mean I at least have some content that interest people.
Thank you!

If there is something you want to see or mention on my blog leave a comment I read them all!

Thank you, see you soon!

You don’t know. Truth about my childhood.

I always get to hear how sorry people are about my parents.
I also get to hear that they understand what I’m going through.
Do they? If they knew they wouldn’t say that.

I had lost both my parents by the age of 22. I was 15 when my father died and 21 when my mother died.

My mother had been sick all my life and I’ve seen her so many times laying in bed vomiting and sleeping 24/7. I’ve also seen her in liver comas, and I’ve seen her dying before she did. My relationship with my mom wasn’t the best.

My father wasn’t nice to me. A lot happened, in his life that I got to take the hits for. He beated me, he sexually assulted me, he kicked me out of the house, he lied, he told me I was the biggest mistake of his life, that I wasn’t worth anything. These are only a few events.

No matter what my parents said and did to me I still love them and miss them everyday.
I don’t know how they felt about me, but I believe they loved me no matter how bad things got.

You don’t undersand, and you never will.
I’ve saved my parents lives, more than once but people don’t know that. They only think I was an ungrateful brat.

The worst part isn’t what my parents put me through, it was what the world around me didn’t do. They watched, got angry at me as soon as I did something they didn’t understand. They gave up on me when I didn’t make the progress they expected. Adults who I’ve relyed on let me down not knowing what I’ve gone through.

My mom had a boyfriend who beat me and his own daughter up. I provoced him to get to beat me instead, most of the time it worked. He didn’t only beat me but also did such things as locking me in in a small dark wardrobe. Mom knew about this but she didn’t do anything until he tried to rape her. He almost cost mom her life.

After my father kicked my out on chrismas eve I wasn’t welcome back for a long time. Because his new wife’s son hit my dolls hard against the table and I tried to make him stop, which he wouldn’t. So I went to my father and he protected his wife and stepson. Later he told me I wasn’t welcomed in their home anymore. I was 11. I went home to my grandmother and over new years I went to my mother. On new years eve my life changed. I found my favorite band. Green Day.

Green Day have a song called “American Idiot”, and in that song there’s a line that goes “Evething isn’t ment to be ok”. These words changed my life. I realized what was going on wasn’t ok, I somehow I tried to get out of the situation. Which I did. If I would have stayed I’d probably be dead by now, I know I tried to kill myself and almost with success.

What I wrote now doesn’t nearly cover everthing, but I’m done keeping these secrets.
Hate me for all you want, don’t hate my parents, I don’t. They did what they knew.

My childhood and my trauma has shaped me. I constantly work towards becoming a better person, the person I want to be, but there’s a lot I can’t and won’t accept. One of these things being seeing other kids being treated this way. If I see or know that they are being threated this way I won’t sit down an shut up.

Call me a liar or what ever you want, but this is a part of my story, my truth.

Update

When I spoke with my mom a couple days ago she explain the fear she and my stepdad had. The fear of getting the call that this time I wouldn’t survive. I also read a paper my doctor wrote about my condition and MANY suicide attempts, he counted least a hundred. It also said that writing me out of the psychiatric care would be a huge risk for my life.

This made me this of what I truly put my friends and family through.

This is something I’m a shamed of and that I deeply regret, but I took an overdose trying to kill myself in front off my two best friends last year. I wish I could take it back, redo that night. We fought and wrestled because off the pills, I was affected by them, high. Which one of my friend noticed. We are still friends and thank god for them, that I still have them in my life. If you are reading this I’m truly sorry. 

I’ve realized that dying isn’t the only thing that will make people stop worrying about me, but I also know that worry is always going to be there even if I recover.

I’m doing better, still thinking about killing myself and sometimes it takes all of me trying not to kill myself. Not hurting myself though.

I’m still under forensic psychiatric care and my doctor is talking about 6 more months here. On Wednesday we are having a meeting about my LPT (law on compulsory) to see if they will extend my LPT.

Right now we are waiting for my autism investigation (don’t know if that’s the right word). After that we are going to have a treatment conference on what’s going to happen during the coming 6 months and what’s going to happen after. Right now it’s alot of questions.

My father’s death.

When I lived with my father things got out of control and I moved to my grandmother while waiting for my mother to arrive to Piteå from Kosta. My mother and I decided I would move to her because I couldn’t live with my father.

The day before my mother arrived I woke up by my grandmother talking on the phone crying. My father had a stroke and he was at the hospital. My first reaction was that he was going to be fine. But either way we went to the hospital and got to sit in a room. I refused to talk to anyone but my mother, my family tried speaking with me. I went into my father’s room a couple times but everytime I freaked seeing him to being able to talk or to move. When our eyes met I could really feel that he didn’t want me there.

During that night my mother arrived. The next day we moved my stuff into the car before we went back to the hosptial. I tried once again going into his room but once again I freaked out and ran out to the elevatiors looking for my mother. My father’s girlfriend’s daughter ran after me.

Mom and I got ready to leave. We went to our cabin outside Sollefteå. But I can’t remember if we were there a day or two.

The day we were ready to leave my mother stood by the car with a look on her face I never had seen before. I asked her what was going on and she said nothing. So we left.
Later we stopped at a gasstation and I bought a magazine, some candy and a red bull. When I got back out to the car my mother stood leaning against the car with the same look on her face so I asked her again what was going on and she told me “you are going to hate me if I don’t tell you now. Your grandmother called, he didn’t make it”. My world came crashing down and I started crying and screaming all at once. I threw myself in the car and my mother threw herself after me to catch me. Mother held me while I cried.

Later that day I called a few people close to me to tell that my father didn’t make it. I decided with a friend that she would follow me to my father’s funeral. It didn’t take long before she canceled. She had something more fun to do. So me and my childhood friend decided she would follow instead.

Before the funeral we got to see my father in his coffin. I was to scared of the corpse to hug what used to be my father.

My mother had planned the funeral, the only things I really decided was the music during the ceremony and what was going to stand on his tombstone.  The obvious song choice for me was Green Day’s Wake Me Up When September Ends and on the stone it says Beloved father, son, brother.

As soon as I stepped into the curch I broke into tears. I stood by the coffin crying during the music and while people lighted their candle for my fahter. When we went outside to lower the coffin into the ground my legs wouldn’t carry and I sat down infront of the hole. I didn’t say a few words, while everyone looked at me I just threw down my rose. My mother and my childhood friend tried pulling me back up on my legs. I didn’t join the get together after the funeral, I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t want to smile because he lived, I just wanted to run away from the problem which was exactly what I did.

My relationship with my father was complicated and there was alot that happened, he treated me very badly but he was my father and at first I didn’t know how to live without him, I still don’t.

The loss of my father sent me into a even deeper depression than the one I suffered when he was alive. The first year after his death I had alot of nightmares and I woke up kicking, screaming, hitting and crying.
The dreams were always similar. My father died, we burried him. When we got back to my grandmother’s house he was alive. Standing on her porch. Sometimes he’d admit that he died others he didn’t know. I still have those dreams sometimes, and everytime I get a moments confusion if he really died or not.

In the begining my mother was my rock. She comforted me, came running when I woke up screaming.

It was after he died I took my first overdose. ‘Cause I wanted to be with him, a reason of why I keep trying to kill myself is because I don’t know how to live without him. I don’t want to live without him.

 

American Idiot; My story.

This is the story how Green Day changed my life for the first time.

My story starts watching the Simpsons movie which planted the name Green Day in my head. After that there is a break until christmas eve. Christmas was always chaotic, and this year was no different. The first thing that happened after we came home from my aunts house was that we started to fight it ended up with me at 11 years old got kicked out in the cold and snowing christmas eve. I wasn’t welcome back home for a long period of time so I lived with my grandmother until it was time to go to mom’s place over new years. Mom and me decided not to celebrate new years eve, mostly for the dogs sake but I couldn’t sleep that night. So I stayed up on my phone looking for music when I found Green Day’s American Idiot. There was one line that got stuck in my head “Everything isn’t meant to be OK”. It got me thinking and I started to realize that the way things looked with my father, the things that happened and the situation wasn’t OK. So when the time came to go back home I refused to go back, which made me end up in foster care.

American Idiot also got me intressed in music over all, and eventually I started playing myself.

There is only one thing I sometimes can regret, and that’s the fact no one took me from my parents much sooner. But Green Day have always been there for me, no matter what happened and them coming into my life was the best thing that could have happened. I’m forever grateful.

 

Best of Me.

My dream is simple, yet so complicated.
Let’s start with the complicated version.

I once received a gift, different from any gift I ever received. This gift wasn’t sent to me personally ally and it was three years old, brand new to me and I needed it. The gift wasn’t send from anyone I knew, instead it as sent from three American men, for anyone who would hear it.

I remember when I received it. New years eve 2007. I was 11 at that point and I was spending new years eve with my mother in a tiny village in South Sweden named Grönahult.
I laid next to my mother in her dark bedroom, she’d been asleep for what felt like forever. I was on my phone looking for a new game. I didn’t find one, but instead I received a gift that would save my life.

Time went by and because of this gift I learnt how to say “no”. These men taught me how to stand up for myself, they made me feel valuable, like I could make a difference.
There were no adults that help me get away from my parents, no teachers, no friends, no family. It was my no that got me away from the violence at home. My no, that these three men taught me, saved me.

As I got older these men stuck with me. These men and what they do is still an important part of my life.
They taught me valuable lessons, I made friends, I got experiences, I learnt things.
They kept me alive, they kept me walking.
They gave me a family, they gave me so much.

And that is what I want to do. I want to help, to inspire. I want to make someone’s life better. I want to give someone hope. I want to be a person who never stops giving.

I want to share my music, my writing with the world, with the one who needs it.

Short version:
I want to be a well known musician and songwriter.

These three men I’m talking about are Green Day. Green Day are today Billie Joe Armstrong, Mike Dirnt, Tré Cool and Jason White.

I’m on the path of reaching my dreams.
I play drums and I write everything I possibly can.

But then of course we have another view of it. An insecurity, a self-hatred, that keeps me from any progress. I can play, but I get insecure and start blaming myself when I try something new or when I play with or for others. In fact playing by myself is hard enough. I have to repeatedly tell myself “I can do this” only to play in an empty house.

It got better since I got home, but instead I realized a mistake that got me to write this.

I sent in an application to a school about the music classes, 50% high school and 50% music.
I messed up the application by naming the email wrong. The application was due May the 1st, then days ago.

I didn’t know how to manage the situation, so I thought I was going to do what I always do, write.
I thought I was going to explain what music means to me, but words never seem to be enough.

“Music to me is the air that I breathe, it’s the blood that pumps through my veins that keeps me alive” – Billie Joe Armstrong

Suicide Awareness: I found help in God.

As I sit here with a scented candle lit and loud music in my headphones I feel how a difference God made in my life.

I am terrified, of the dark, my health, my future. Sometimes of myself and this world. There are times when I am scared that I will go back to my old ways of self harm. It’s scary.

I used to believe that I was a lonely person. That I had nothing to live for. I felt like I was drifting away in space. Like I was nothing. Even today I have very low thoughts about myself and what I can accomplish.

The big difference is that I made a choice.
I wanted a better life, for myself and for my frien
d and family. I made a choice that I would no longer be in the tight grip of depression.

My biggest strength is found in God, music and my writing, but with my low self-esteem I would get no where. In anything. I was just blaming myself, telling myself how worthless I was.

I decided that it was time for me to recover. I decided to get to know God and that I was no longer in any need of any medication.
I haven’t ate my antidepressant medicine in a long time.

I still have feelings. I get scared, angry, sad, frustrated. I still talk down on myself, but for everyday that goes I get a little bit closer to God. And everyday I feel a little bit more like myself again.

I pray when I get scared. I pray when I am going to play drums. I pray for my health. I pray for my friend and family. I pray for God to lead me on my way. I pray for God to keep me safe. I pray to God that my story can help someone else. I even pray for my blog and inspiration.
I don’t only pray but I talk to God. When I feel lonely or scared. When I get worried or sad. I talk to God and I pray.

For us in the 1st world it’s hard to believe in a bigger power than ourselves, and that’s a shame.
In the 3rd world almost everyone has faith, the difference is that they don’t know that they will live another day. They leave their destiny in the hands of God. Which is helpful and strengthening.

We will always have our problems. No matter what they are or why. Even when we leave them in God’s hand they exists to us, but when we share our fears and problems we are sure we never will carry them alone.

For me it feels safe. I know that God is watching over me, that he is listening and keeping me safe. I know that he is walking with me.

I grew up with Christianity and Satanism. I have tried a lot of different religions before I became an atheist. After that I found God.
There isn’t one religion that I felt more safe with than now. I am studying the adventist and their religion. And I feel safe and I feel good. I enjoy myself every time I go to church. No matter whether it’s for the biblestudies or the sabbaths.

I don’t feel alone anymore. I feel safe. I know that no matter what happens I have someone to watch over me and someone who’s guiding me.

Growing up for me was hell.
I was bullied, poor, abused, raped. I used sex, alcohol, drugs, self harm, food and crimes to keep myself up. And honestly it just broke me even more. Even if I couldn’t see it back then, but I can now.

I sit in my bed listening to my music and see that if I continue working on my relationship with God and working hard with myself and my interests I might be successful one day. I see that I have a future. As I said in a previous post I don’t think I am going to get old, butI believe I can make a difference now.

God, music, writing, animals, gaming, friends and family is now what defines me.

God helped me are you sure he can’t help you?

Life.

Life is hard, we all know it, we have all seen it.
It’s all up to us and how we play our cards, not really optimal, but.

It’s time for me to change my life, to reach my goals. I just have no idea how.
School? Makes me meet people maybe I find a band.
Training? Could help me loose weight.
But what kind of school, which school? What kind of training?

I wrote something yesterday, and it means a lot to me, trying to feel like you are alive and free instead of feeling like you are stuck in a cage and dying.

I’d really like to share my work, but I am too scared too.
They mean so much to me and if they are lost, I don’t know what I’d do.
My writing is my life, they explain everything I have been trough.

18 years. I am 18 and my mother have been sick my entire life, six months ago she was actually dying, but as time was on it’s last we got the call. They had a matching liver.
And today she is recovering.

6 years, I have known him for six years. Trough my private hell, he’s been there. I really do love him, but we need our space, and we can’t keep this up anymore. We still talk, we are still friends, but this is so hard I just want to break down and cry.

Music is my life, all I want to do is to be in a band. To play drums and write songs. Find people who listens to our music and get helped by it. Inspired by it. Saved by it.

Is it a sin?

I don’t believe homosexuality is a sin.
God is about love, and love goes all ways!
Man + Man = Love.
Woman + Woman = Love.
Woman + Man = Love.

I am not heterosexual, I am bisexual, but I believe in God.
Many do actually believe that homosexuality is a sin, but please rethink.
What is god about? What is homosexuality about?
LOVE!

Why isn’t it a sin being heterosexual?
Why isn’t it a sin loving someone of the opposite sex?

That it’s not meant to be doesn’t work on me,
why would it happen if it was against god and his message of love?
Honestly I’d like to know, please tell me.