I always get to hear how sorry people are about my parents.
I also get to hear that they understand what I’m going through.
Do they? If they knew they wouldn’t say that.
I had lost both my parents by the age of 22. I was 15 when my father died and 21 when my mother died.
My mother had been sick all my life and I’ve seen her so many times laying in bed vomiting and sleeping 24/7. I’ve also seen her in liver comas, and I’ve seen her dying before she did. My relationship with my mom wasn’t the best.
My father wasn’t nice to me. A lot happened, in his life that I got to take the hits for. He beated me, he sexually assulted me, he kicked me out of the house, he lied, he told me I was the biggest mistake of his life, that I wasn’t worth anything. These are only a few events.
No matter what my parents said and did to me I still love them and miss them everyday.
I don’t know how they felt about me, but I believe they loved me no matter how bad things got.
You don’t undersand, and you never will.
I’ve saved my parents lives, more than once but people don’t know that. They only think I was an ungrateful brat.
The worst part isn’t what my parents put me through, it was what the world around me didn’t do. They watched, got angry at me as soon as I did something they didn’t understand. They gave up on me when I didn’t make the progress they expected. Adults who I’ve relyed on let me down not knowing what I’ve gone through.
My mom had a boyfriend who beat me and his own daughter up. I provoced him to get to beat me instead, most of the time it worked. He didn’t only beat me but also did such things as locking me in in a small dark wardrobe. Mom knew about this but she didn’t do anything until he tried to rape her. He almost cost mom her life.
After my father kicked my out on chrismas eve I wasn’t welcome back for a long time. Because his new wife’s son hit my dolls hard against the table and I tried to make him stop, which he wouldn’t. So I went to my father and he protected his wife and stepson. Later he told me I wasn’t welcomed in their home anymore. I was 11. I went home to my grandmother and over new years I went to my mother. On new years eve my life changed. I found my favorite band. Green Day.
Green Day have a song called “American Idiot”, and in that song there’s a line that goes “Evething isn’t ment to be ok”. These words changed my life. I realized what was going on wasn’t ok, I somehow I tried to get out of the situation. Which I did. If I would have stayed I’d probably be dead by now, I know I tried to kill myself and almost with success.
What I wrote now doesn’t nearly cover everthing, but I’m done keeping these secrets.
Hate me for all you want, don’t hate my parents, I don’t. They did what they knew.
My childhood and my trauma has shaped me. I constantly work towards becoming a better person, the person I want to be, but there’s a lot I can’t and won’t accept. One of these things being seeing other kids being treated this way. If I see or know that they are being threated this way I won’t sit down an shut up.
Call me a liar or what ever you want, but this is a part of my story, my truth.
Shadowanie - About the girl who became me. 