Lecture.

The plan is that I am going to start lecturing about mental health in late August or early Septemeber. I thought I’d walk you through my plan, I’m not done with it but any how, I’m publishing it officially e here.
Please enjoy and leave your thoughts.

My reason for lecturing:
I have many reasons actually. I want to help people that’s suffering or knows someone that’s suffeing because of their mental health, which also means I want to reach out to the world letting them know that they are not alone. If I help one person they can help another and so on, in the same time it’s a way for me to deal with my past and trauma and such. I also want to spread knowledge and understanding about people’s mental health.

Who I am:
After introducing my lecture I’ll move on to who I am. My name, age, where I’m from, my intrests. My goals in life etc.

What I’ve been through:
On this subject I’ll talk about things that made me who I am, what I’ve been through. Trauma, medical history, my relationship with my parents etc.

Reason behind my mental health:
Here I’ll go more into what caused my mental problems, what caused my diagnosis.

My turn in life:
This one is the most important to me of what I’m going to talk about. Music, more specific Green Day. How they changed my life, how they opened my eyes, ears, heart, feelings and made me realized that what was going on was far from ok. On this subject I’ll talk about what music can do for you, in many possible ways, but mostly I’ll talk about Green Day. Also I’ll talk about how I found God, just it isn’t the main point here.

Selfharm and suicide attempts:
About this I’m going to talk about my selfharm and over a 100 suicide attempts. I’m not going to much about how and what I’ve done to myself but I’m going to talk about why. Drugs, alcohol is going to be brought up here as well.

Friends and family’s reaction:
This one speaks for it self. I’m going to talk about how the people near me has reacted.

My health today:
Sure it still goes up and down, with my diagnosis that’s the only way it goes, but I know who I am, how I work and what I’m like when I have my good periods. This subject will be about focusing on the good things in my life.

If others need help:
This one is the last. I will talk about what you can do for someone who is depressed etc, the signs and my own experience with people around me suffering because of their mental health.

After this I’ll leae information where they can get a hold of me.

All these are really important, both to me and others.
And of course it will be a trigger warning before I begin.

Leave a comment or contact me on mail/social media if there’s any questions or something you think I should talk about. That includes your own experience if you want to, I can’t promise that it will come up, but I’ll have it in mind.

Thank you.

Mistakes.. Many mistakes.

So I’ve been writing today, about my life. It was nice to one point were it just got painful.
I ended up with a panic anxiety attack. Great.

What I’m about to write may be triggering.

These past few week have been hell. I’ve felt how my mental health is taking over, that there’s nothing left anyway. I am hospitalised at the moment, but I’m pushing people away, people that only want to help me. Yesterday I went home, not planning to come back, even though the law keeps me here because of a suicide attempt. When I came home I had already decided I wouldn’t go back.
The day passed and it was time to go back and I refused to, I just wanted it to be over, I didn’t know how to ask for the help I needed. We went and got my meds and my stuff. I told the personnel that I was planning to hurt myself even try to kill myself, the response I got was that my life is my responsibility. And it is.

Anyway when I came home we spoke, as soon as she had left I did something stupid. A failed suicide attempt, an epic failed suicide attempt. I had my knife and pushed is against my troath and dragged it acoss my troath, all it left me with was a red line.

One of my friends knew about this and called the cops.

I’m trying to find a reason, but the self-hatred is huge. I can’t deal with it, I do things because I get desperate. I don’t want to be like that. I want to earn it. Not beg for it.

I’ve made a mistake. Hate me for it, please do.
I wrote a message to Green Day and I sent it to the bass player on instagram, as a screenshot together with a screenshot of the message I have to Green Day. I just a few minutes ago wrote “Oh gosh, I’m so sorry!”…. I shouldn’t have sent it. They will hate me forever. It felt like a good idea at the moment, but not anymore. I wish I could take it back…

My father’s death.

When I lived with my father things got out of control and I moved to my grandmother while waiting for my mother to arrive to Piteå from Kosta. My mother and I decided I would move to her because I couldn’t live with my father.

The day before my mother arrived I woke up by my grandmother talking on the phone crying. My father had a stroke and he was at the hospital. My first reaction was that he was going to be fine. But either way we went to the hospital and got to sit in a room. I refused to talk to anyone but my mother, my family tried speaking with me. I went into my father’s room a couple times but everytime I freaked seeing him to being able to talk or to move. When our eyes met I could really feel that he didn’t want me there.

During that night my mother arrived. The next day we moved my stuff into the car before we went back to the hosptial. I tried once again going into his room but once again I freaked out and ran out to the elevatiors looking for my mother. My father’s girlfriend’s daughter ran after me.

Mom and I got ready to leave. We went to our cabin outside Sollefteå. But I can’t remember if we were there a day or two.

The day we were ready to leave my mother stood by the car with a look on her face I never had seen before. I asked her what was going on and she said nothing. So we left.
Later we stopped at a gasstation and I bought a magazine, some candy and a red bull. When I got back out to the car my mother stood leaning against the car with the same look on her face so I asked her again what was going on and she told me “you are going to hate me if I don’t tell you now. Your grandmother called, he didn’t make it”. My world came crashing down and I started crying and screaming all at once. I threw myself in the car and my mother threw herself after me to catch me. Mother held me while I cried.

Later that day I called a few people close to me to tell that my father didn’t make it. I decided with a friend that she would follow me to my father’s funeral. It didn’t take long before she canceled. She had something more fun to do. So me and my childhood friend decided she would follow instead.

Before the funeral we got to see my father in his coffin. I was to scared of the corpse to hug what used to be my father.

My mother had planned the funeral, the only things I really decided was the music during the ceremony and what was going to stand on his tombstone.  The obvious song choice for me was Green Day’s Wake Me Up When September Ends and on the stone it says Beloved father, son, brother.

As soon as I stepped into the curch I broke into tears. I stood by the coffin crying during the music and while people lighted their candle for my fahter. When we went outside to lower the coffin into the ground my legs wouldn’t carry and I sat down infront of the hole. I didn’t say a few words, while everyone looked at me I just threw down my rose. My mother and my childhood friend tried pulling me back up on my legs. I didn’t join the get together after the funeral, I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t want to smile because he lived, I just wanted to run away from the problem which was exactly what I did.

My relationship with my father was complicated and there was alot that happened, he treated me very badly but he was my father and at first I didn’t know how to live without him, I still don’t.

The loss of my father sent me into a even deeper depression than the one I suffered when he was alive. The first year after his death I had alot of nightmares and I woke up kicking, screaming, hitting and crying.
The dreams were always similar. My father died, we burried him. When we got back to my grandmother’s house he was alive. Standing on her porch. Sometimes he’d admit that he died others he didn’t know. I still have those dreams sometimes, and everytime I get a moments confusion if he really died or not.

In the begining my mother was my rock. She comforted me, came running when I woke up screaming.

It was after he died I took my first overdose. ‘Cause I wanted to be with him, a reason of why I keep trying to kill myself is because I don’t know how to live without him. I don’t want to live without him.

 

The whispering of the snake.

On the brink of destruction
Heading down a dangerous path
The point of no return
Where it’s all too late

We haven’t all been there,
Neither we shall
There’s got to be a way,
So deeply hidden
I’m done wasting time,
But I can’t do this alone

Turn away,
See the danger signs,
This is no path to follow,
But there is no way out,
The lights went out,
Fumbling in the dark,
So help me,
To turn away from the dark,
Shut down the whispers of the snake

So far away,
From myself,
And everyone I hold dear

All I see,
All I hear,
All I know,
Is how to end it all

Shut off the whispers,
Take me into the light,
Carry me trough the night,
‘Cause I can’t do this all by myself
I’m not strong enough to walk,
So hear my whispering,
So hear my crying,
And wipe my tears,

Turn away,
See the danger signs,
This is no path to follow,
But there is no way out,
The lights went out,
Fumbling in the dark,
So help me,
To turn away from the dark,
Shut down the whispers of the snake

Spinning out of control again,
So help me to turn away from the whispering of the snake,
Lead me unto wisdom,
Lead me off this dangerous path,
That I’ve ridden for so long

Crash

“Hold me now ’cause I couldn’t even if I tried
It’s over now I guess it really is my time
I don’t wanna go but it’s time I gotta say goodbye
So hold me now ’cause this will be our last time
I’m slowing down and I don’t think that I can fight
I know somehow that you will find a way to live your life
Remember just to live everyday like it’s your last
Hold me now ’cause I think it’s time for me to pass

I don’t wanna die I don’t know why this kinda faith was meant for me
You gotta be strong gotta move on it’s not how it was supposed to be
What do I say it was never supposed to end up this way
What do I have to do was supposed to grow old with you
That ain’t gonna happen no that ain’t gonna happen

Hold me now ’cause the time I’ve got is running out
No tears allowed even though we become without
I just wanna feel your head laying on my chest
So hold me now as I take my last breath

I don’t wanna die I don’t know why this kinda faith was meant for me
You gotta be strong gotta move on it’s not how it was supposed to be
What do I say it was never supposed to end up this way
What do I have to do was supposed to grow old with you
That ain’t gonna happen no that ain’t gonna happen”
Crash – Sum 41

This is one of my favorite songs. It explains the feeling of dying, a feeling I live with everyday and I know that if I didn’t feel this way everything would be different.
I feel like I’m dying, like my time is running out. I’m too tired to fight it, because I’ve seen the comfort of dying. I’ve seen the tunnel, I’ve felt my body disappear, I’ve felt that final peace, that final hope, that final rest, that final calm. It’s the best thing I’ve ever felt.
And this feeling like I’m dying together with the black pit in my stomach sucking me dry from all hope, dream, motivation and inspiration… it doesn’t leave me much joy. My joy is to know that this will all be over one day.
I can’t feel happiness, excitement etc. for anything in life, all I feel is this sorrow, anger. I know how to smile, but I can never feel it. I   lost all feelings for my friends and family. I know that I care and would do anything for them but I can’t feel it.
I started out to only push anxiety, panic, worry, sorrow and rage away, but now I can’t feel anything except this longing to die, for it all to be over. I push it all away, ’cause it used to be the only way I could keep myself alive. The feeling of dying took over, it’s who I am, who I’ve been. It’s me and it’s my story.

If you think fighting for me, fighting to keep me alive would help… then go ahead, but I don’t want to try anymore. So if you get into this fight then you better win or lose fighting. Because I can’t do that. I can’t see what you see. All I can see is an ending, my ending, my way, my goodbye. So you fight little solider, but keep me the hell put of it.
Thank you.

Goodbyes and empty lies.

I’m not stupid.
It’s not like I can’t understand what I’m doing or what I’m throwing away.
It’s not like I can’t understand how serious this situation is.

Right now there are a lot of people coming with a bunch of different comments. And it’s everything from “You didn’t chose this” to “Selfish bastard” and “You don’t understand what you are doing”.
Honestly I’m sick of these comments, because I do understand, I might even understand this situation better than what you can imagine.

I know I’m smart and talented. I’ve got all the tools I need to make it by, to survive this.
I’m young and there are a lot of things I haven’t seen or done yet.
I know that life has up and downs and the only way for life to get better is to go through them.

If this situation is simple to you then this should be just as easy.
I DON’T WANT TO.
It’s not harder than that, nothing more, nothing less. That’s it, I don’t want to.

I know suicide is a permanent solution to what might be a temporary problem.
I know that suicide affects everyone around.
I know that it’s not myself I’m harming by committing suicide.
I know it’s a sin and that there is no coming back.

I know I’m strong enough to make it by if I only wanted to.
I know I’m smart enough to get a good education and a good life if I’d only try.
I know I’m talented, both as a musician and a writer and I know that if I try I can make a career.
I know I can make a difference in this world.

But I don’t want to.
All I want is this to be over.
Every words coming out of my mouth is either a good bye or another empty lie.
I never stop praying for my final ending.
I won’t stop trying until I’m gone.
Call me selfish.
Call me what ever you need to.
Scream at me,
Cry if that’s what you need.
I can never see it the way you do.
But if you’d be me,
I’d never give up the fight.
All I want is my final rest,
Even if I’ve to spend it in flames.
No matter the pain I’ve caused,
No matter the pain I’ll cause.
I’ve already made up my mind.
The only thing giving me peace is to know,
That this is the end.
The only thing that keeps me going,
Is the thought of it all being over.
My world is small, ugly and dark.
I gave it all up.
Hope, dreams, faith.
I’m giving the rest up.
Family, Friends, Future.
Just as I chose to end my life,
You can chose how to see the time we spent.
Help me make the best of the time I’ve got left.
And if you want,
Finish my dreams.
You know what I once wanted.
You know my final wish.
If you care enough to fight for me,
Then you better take this fight.
Let me say my final goodbyes.
Let me say final prayers.
Let me feel your love one last time.
I know that if I want to,
This can be another nightmare.
Instead of my life.
But I don’t want that.
I find nothing left worth fighting for.
Every step feels like I’m walking on shattered glass.
I find no future light.
So let me go.
I’m ready to leave.
Make our last time the best we’ve got.
I won’t make it out alive.
I’ve chose not to.
This is my end.
I gave it all up.
This darkness ate me alive.
And continues to every day.
Let me feel the pain I’ve cause.
Let me suffer for my sins.
I don’t deserve a life this good.
Give it to someone in need.
Because I’m giving it all away.

Trigger Warning: My private suicide.

So… it’s been some time now and I haven’t got the best of news.

First thing first. This post can be a major trigger so if you are sensitive don’t continue to read. This post is in that case not for you.

So… Last week, Tuesday, I was at home for a couple of hours after a week long hospital visit. And I had planned to take my life. So… I took an overdose.
I can’t remember much but they told me that I wasn’t back when I was supposed to be back on the hospital so they called the cops. The cops found me passed out.

I woke up on Thursday on the intensive care. With a bunch of needles and machines plugged in.

All I remember is a man’s face, someone crying and a dark tunnel with a beautiful light blue gray sky.

I remember falling asleep, and how good it felt. Because I knew it would end.

I also remember the disappointment and anger by waking up again.

So now. I’m locked in on the hospital again and can’t leave, at all, I can only go on walks with personell. And most likely I will have to stay for a couple of weeks, but I really really really want to go home. With the only reason being so I can kill myself.

To bullied and bullies.

Forgive and forget right?
No that’s not quite how it work.

Words hurt, they make wounds that becomes scars for a lifetime. For both the bullied and the bully.

But something happened to me yesterday and I want to share it with all bullied and bullies.

Here we go:
Right now I’m hospitalized because I’m suicidal, and such a risk to myself. So as you know there is always personell on a hospital no matter what ward, but here’s the thing, one of the evening personell was my old bully.

As soon as I saw the side of his face my stomach felt like it was going to turn inside out. He turned around and looked at me and asked me if there was something I needed. I said no and sat down in the corner of the couch I didn’t care of that he sat right next to me. He started talking to me and then he figured out it was me. He asked if I changed my name and I told him I did. Later that evening we had a talk before 7.30 coffee, we continued our talk over the coffee and it was no big deal. Two adults talking.

I thought about this a lot before bedtime yesterday and a wrote.

This is what I wrote:
I remember you.
All the things you said.
All the things you did.
You weren’t alone, no.
There were many of you.
Who broke me down,
because I was different.
With hell at home,
and hell at school.
You slowly killed a part of me,
your words and actions still hurt.
But I don’t blame you,
I don’t blame any of you.
I hope you know what you did was wrong,
I hope you learned.
Because life is a gift,
so sensitive and sweet,
That can easily be destroyed.
I don’t hold a grudge
The only thing I hope for is:
that you learned your lesson
That you will never go that way again.
That your kids won’t  go the same path
A such a hazard to myself,
I hope you know what you truly did.

But you what? This man who used to be mean is today sweet, kind and caring today. He’s understanding and mature. He grew and he learnt his lesson.

So lesson time.

You never know what’s going to happen, to who it’s going to happen.
You don’t know what a person is feeling or going through.
So be nice. ALWAYS.

Suicidal or attention seeker?

Something happened Saturday night.

I was chatting with a guy, that kept asking me sexual questions and for sex.
I was reaching my limit, before he once again, started to complain about his appearance and how he is too ugly to get any girls. I got annoyed and told him that if he is so unhappy that he would work with it, but that as usual wasn’t good enough. Eventually he started talking about how pretty I am and that I have no problems at all. I told him we all have problems and we all have to deal with them. His response was “No”. And there he crossed my limit.

I got angry. I told him to stop taking like that and that he would show who he is and what’s he’s good at. I also told him to stop feeling sorry for himself and that everyone got problems that they need to deal with.
He continued to complain and talking about how ugly he was. By this time he had crossed my line.
I got angrier and we continued. I continued to tell him that everyone has problems and for him to stop feeling sorry for himself. His response was still “No” and “No they don’t, if you are beautiful you get laid”.

I brought up That people are homeless, people get cancer, people starve.
And this response… made me furious.
“Homeless people choose to be homeless. Because they choose booze and they won’t pay their bills”.

I told him some things that happened to me and then I said:
“It’s not always your own fault, but in your case you are the only one who can change things”.
and he wrote “No” again.

He started asking if I was told I was beautiful. I got even angrier and told him that he doesn’t really know much about me. He takes a look on my pictures and thinks  he knows me.

It continued.
He told me that he was going to remove me and I responded.
“Thank you, learn to live with yourself now and leave me alone”.
All this shit went down because I refused to have sex with him, but this is not the end of the story.

He started talking about suicide. Freaking suicide!
I was trying to talk to him, to change his mind about suicide. I wasn’t fast enough before he blocked me.

So I called the cops told them in what city he lives in and his name, I didn’t know more about him at that point, but because I had so little information about him they couldn’t check on him.
I asked my friends on facebook to help me figure out where he lived so I could call the cops again.
They helped me, they even found some of his siblings.
I wrote to one of his sister that he didn’t feel good and that I was worried, before I called the cops again. This time with his address. They told me that they were going to check on him and that was it, at that point.

Yesterday I got to hear from one of my friends that she knew him.
That he acted similar to her when she denied sex from him. That he would talk about how ugly he was and that he started talking about suicide because she wouldn’t fuck him.

This broke me down.
I can’t stand up for myself against a person who is pressuring me for sex without getting to hear how this person is going to kill them selves.
I am ashamed because of what I said to him.
I don’t know what I could have done different, I had tried telling him ever since we started chatting that I won’t have sex with him. And there was always a question about me and my sexual life.
What if he killed himself because of me?
Or was he just seeking attention?
Did I do right by calling the cops or trying to contact the sister?
Why do people do this?
I keep praying that he is alright, but I feel so ashamed and guilty. Because I said no.
I said no, trying to stand up for myself.
I lost my mood, trying to make him see that if he is unhappy about himself he is the only one that can change it.
Why am I such a bad person?

Suicide Awareness: Apps & Links

Apps, all found on Google play:
*Dbt112 – annadroid, Swedish & Free
*DBT självhjälp – Cognitus psykoterapi & utveckling, Swedish & 50 SEK.
*Self-help Anxiety Management-University of the West of England, English & Free
*Mindfulness – H. Mason Hedberg, MD, English & Free
*Biblical Self Help – Tunglabs, English, Spanish & Free
__________
Websites, all in English:
*www.helpguide.org
*www.metanoia.org/Suicide
*www.mhs.uk/conditions/suicide
*www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
__________
If you don’t find any of these apps or websites helpful just look online and in your app store for something that is more helpful to you.

I use Dbt112 myself, but it’s in Swedish, but really helpful for me.