The whispering of the snake.

On the brink of destruction
Heading down a dangerous path
The point of no return
Where it’s all too late

We haven’t all been there,
Neither we shall
There’s got to be a way,
So deeply hidden
I’m done wasting time,
But I can’t do this alone

Turn away,
See the danger signs,
This is no path to follow,
But there is no way out,
The lights went out,
Fumbling in the dark,
So help me,
To turn away from the dark,
Shut down the whispers of the snake

So far away,
From myself,
And everyone I hold dear

All I see,
All I hear,
All I know,
Is how to end it all

Shut off the whispers,
Take me into the light,
Carry me trough the night,
‘Cause I can’t do this all by myself
I’m not strong enough to walk,
So hear my whispering,
So hear my crying,
And wipe my tears,

Turn away,
See the danger signs,
This is no path to follow,
But there is no way out,
The lights went out,
Fumbling in the dark,
So help me,
To turn away from the dark,
Shut down the whispers of the snake

Spinning out of control again,
So help me to turn away from the whispering of the snake,
Lead me unto wisdom,
Lead me off this dangerous path,
That I’ve ridden for so long

The long run.

I don’t want an easy way out, I don’t want a fast way out. I want to run the long run.

There are times when I am grateful over what I’ve got, but I need time to see that. When I had time to react, when I had time to think. Every blessing, every challenge. I am grateful for the long run.

When I play drums I get a huge anxiety taking over. It leaves me in tears, anger and frustration. I scream and I cry. I hate my self and think that I am never good enough, that I will never be the drummer I want to be. But when I play with my friends I feel comfortable and safe. When I dig myself down in a deep hole in the dark, the pull me out of it. When I get hyper and start dreaming and running around like a maniac the pull me down on earth. They believe in me, even if I don’t believe in myself. Even my friends who haven’t heard me play, they believe in me. And for me it makes it all worth it.

When I can’t write and I end up writing something that I am almost completely satisfied with I show it to my friends. Some of them understands what I write, others don’t. They don’t criticize me for my writing, they praise me for what they think is an amazing gift. They ask me if I wrote something new, they believe I can do it, and just as my drumming, they believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself. They make me feel like even if I don’t like my own work I can do something.

My blog, oh yes, my blog. I love writing here. Even if a lot of people don’t read it, or never will, I know that people read my blog and maybe my words make a difference for the ones who does. And that makes me continue, even if it’s not everyday.

I am grateful for what I have been trough, I get to learn and grow as a person. I might be able to make something with all of my experiences one day, and that inspires me a lot.

As humans we get impulses, but it’s worth waiting it out. It’s hard and even boring sometimes, but by waiting it out we keep ourselves for doing something drastic.

The doctors I meet want me to go trough a surgery that will make me loose weight, but I don’t want that. I won’t be proud over myself if I let them do that. I will miss out on experiences and people I might meet. I won’t get to feel the feeling of doing something so important, it is important to me to do it by myself. Because then I will know I put my heart into it and I made something out of it.
It’s hard. I used to want to die every time I saw myself in the mirror, I just wanted to kill myself at the spot I was standing. Already after this short time I feel a difference, I can see myself in my own reflection of the bathroom mirror and I see a change that I made happen, just by setting a goal and putting my heart and soul into it.

I don’t want the easy way out, no matter how hard things will be.
I’d never be a Green Day fan. I’d never learn how to play drums. I’d never learnt how to write. I’d never met the people I know today. I wouldn’t know what I do. I wouldn’t appreciate the little things, I wouldn’t have found God.
I wouldn’t be me and I wouldn’t inspire the people I do inspire.

Just by taking the long run I get to do all these things in my life. I get to learn new things and I get to do things I’d never thought I would. I wouldn’t have got to know all these good people.

Even if times are hard and you meet people that makes you feel like crap, it get’s better. You will feel better, you will learn who to deal with things you never thought you could. And most important, you will meet the people that you are supposed too.

The long run is worth it.
The long run will lead you to where you are supposed to be.
Have faith, have patience.
Because it’s all worth it in the end.

All the feelings.

I generally don’t like to write when I am upset, but right now I can’t make head or tails about my feelings.Yet alone what to do about it.

We have had a huge argument tonight at home. It started about 23.50 I believe and now it’s around 2 am.
My mother broke my heart saying I don’t understand how sick she’s truly been, just because I haven’t been at home all the time, but instead in foster-care.
I SAVED MY MOTHER’S LIVE.
Even when I wasn’t at home.
I want so much of my mother, she is on a pedestal in my eyes, amazing, strong, independent. She is an inspiration to me. But I want things of her that she can’t give.

I really love my mother, and I put so much of my own life away to save hers. I have done all that I can to make sure she would live another day. I did it all because of love, and I honestly don’t know what to do without her.
It’s clear to me that she doesn’t understand how much I have really done, she even told me tonight that she had no idea.
My stepfather actually helped me, he defended me against my mother and told her what I actually have done for her.
I always get to hear from her friends, from people that are supposed to help me and my mother herself how bad I make her feel, and that she is tired and needs a break away from me. How much I ruin for her, and how much I take for her.

Sure, I take, but I gave all I could as well.
I gave myself away, because without her I’d be lost.
She is my only family together with my grandmother, when father died I had nothing, but her. My grandmother lost herself at that point and I fell into depression.
I love my mother more than I love myself.
And If I’d have to do it again, I would without a doubt.
I gave my mother all the time I had, she is always on my mind. I am always worried about her, I don’t want to leave her alone, because I don’t know if she will survive.

I took care of her as a child and at that time I saved her life for the first time, and since then I can’t let her go, I just want to take care of her and protect her.
But I want to be taken care of, I want her to protect me.
I don’t want her to take my fights, I want her support. I want her to stand by my side and hold my hand when I need her to.
I feel so alone, I don’t know what to do.
I have taken care of her for so long and now I just want her to do the same for me.

It’s wrong of me to feel this way, I know it’s all my fault.
But I dream of the day she will just hug me so I just can cry and let it all out.
I know it’s all my fault, I know I am the reason why she feels this way.
I know I am a failure, and I take all of her time. I know I shouldn’t care anything about myself, I know that I should continue taking care of her. I know that she’s done her best, I know she’s done what she could. I know I should feel guilty. I know I should take the blame. I know I should take the fall. I know I am an awful person that doesn’t deserve to live. I don’t deserve to be happy. I know that all I do is wrong.
But I still feel like it’s not all my fault.

I wanted to play drums, with friends. Start a band, playing at school and in a junk-filled garage. I wanted to make music, but today… I can’t play, because I feel like I suck and it’s not the same to play alone.

The doctors took a lot of test of my blood and found nothing. I don’t know what it could be making me feel this way. The stress causes another type of pain, in another place. Nothing of what I feel now I felt before when I have been stressed or upset.
Even now as I write I feel something else, because of the mental pain.
It’s not the same.
Coming my way, doctors, hospitals, more investigation.

I feel lost. All these feelings.
I am a misfit, a failure. A nobody. A no one. Nothing.
I am not who I used to be.

I saw the stars every night. And now I don’t know who I am, all these feelings I can’t deal with. I am so far away from myself and I have so much to work with.
Right now I see no stars.
Only broken dreams.

I know my new year’s resolutions:
(NOT IN ORDER)
1. Lose weight.
2. Start studying.
3. Play more drums.
4. Make friends.
5. Try starting a band.
6. Working with my mental health.
7. Working on my mother’s and my relationship.
8. Go back home.
9. Visit my friends.
10. Visit my grandmother.
11. Visit my father’s grave.
12. Trying to make up with my family.
13. Become my own friend, not enemy.
14. Create memories to remember, good ones.
15. Become a better christian.
16. Get my love.

I want to see the stars again, I want to become myself again.
The fun, honest, naive, adventurous, trusting, loyal person I once was.
I really grieve my father right now to, y’know Christmas?

Is it a sin?

I don’t believe homosexuality is a sin.
God is about love, and love goes all ways!
Man + Man = Love.
Woman + Woman = Love.
Woman + Man = Love.

I am not heterosexual, I am bisexual, but I believe in God.
Many do actually believe that homosexuality is a sin, but please rethink.
What is god about? What is homosexuality about?
LOVE!

Why isn’t it a sin being heterosexual?
Why isn’t it a sin loving someone of the opposite sex?

That it’s not meant to be doesn’t work on me,
why would it happen if it was against god and his message of love?
Honestly I’d like to know, please tell me.

Run, run away. Run, run along.

Someday’s we all wake up and feel like all we want is to escape, like all we want is to go back to sleep and hide for the day that we are expected to meet.
I believe at some point we all have been there, so maybe more often that others, but it’s something we all can relate to.

It might be dark or cold.
You might be sick, or depressed.
You might wake up to the rain or to a fight at home.
Car breaks, Sirens, wind.
Someone flushing or showering.
Children might be jumping on your bed or dogs might be whining in your ear, because they are ready for their morning walk.
Maybe you have school, work or a meeting to go to?
Church, Hospital, Friends, Family?
Or just some stranger knocking on your door.

And I don’t hold the answers of what to do.
I don’t want to most of the time, usually I go back to sleep, no matter if I wake up at 7 am or 2 pm. If I don’t have something I must do or that I promised to do.

I was at the doctor’s yesterday and they took 8 different blood sample pipe thingies, and there is more to take, the doctor was supposed to call be today if any of these test would show anything, but they never called so I guess they didn’t.
I don’t know what I am about to face, all is that my doctor will contact me on Monday to continue.
This doctor believes in me, in what I am saying. She believes it’s something wrong. That I wouldn’t feel this way otherwise, and it feels amazing to finally have a doctor that believes me and just doesn’t send me home saying “It’s nothing”.

I have been really tired today and I have meant to blog more today than what I have, but considering I have slept a lot and just laying down resting.

One of my closest friends is really worried about me and wanted me to go to the E.R one night when it got worse, of course I didn’t do as he said. I followed my own path, waiting, holding on, who knows it might have passed?
I don’t know what to do to help his worry. I am not completely sure what I feel myself.
I don’t even know why I am blogging about this?
Maybe it’s nice to not carrying it alone.

On other point I have started talking to my mom about how I feel at home.
Unsafe, unwelcome, that I’m a burden, that I am in the way, etc.
What I get out if it is that my mother believes I have ADD and post-traumatic stress syndrome.
So much fun.
Even know when I got so bad with my physical health she wants to diagnose me.
And I am sick of it, but I have no clue how to make it stop.

On the other hand I am going to church tomorrow/today, depending on where you live.
And I am going to read a text from the bible, and fun enough I am super nervous, but it feels great in the same time.
I get to stand there and read a text that means a lot to me, EVEN IF it’s about the birth of Jesus.

Although I hate Christmas, four days left.
Four days left.
Marry Christmas for those of you who like this holiday,
and don’t kill yourself for those who doesn’t.