Suicide Awareness: I found help in God.

As I sit here with a scented candle lit and loud music in my headphones I feel how a difference God made in my life.

I am terrified, of the dark, my health, my future. Sometimes of myself and this world. There are times when I am scared that I will go back to my old ways of self harm. It’s scary.

I used to believe that I was a lonely person. That I had nothing to live for. I felt like I was drifting away in space. Like I was nothing. Even today I have very low thoughts about myself and what I can accomplish.

The big difference is that I made a choice.
I wanted a better life, for myself and for my frien
d and family. I made a choice that I would no longer be in the tight grip of depression.

My biggest strength is found in God, music and my writing, but with my low self-esteem I would get no where. In anything. I was just blaming myself, telling myself how worthless I was.

I decided that it was time for me to recover. I decided to get to know God and that I was no longer in any need of any medication.
I haven’t ate my antidepressant medicine in a long time.

I still have feelings. I get scared, angry, sad, frustrated. I still talk down on myself, but for everyday that goes I get a little bit closer to God. And everyday I feel a little bit more like myself again.

I pray when I get scared. I pray when I am going to play drums. I pray for my health. I pray for my friend and family. I pray for God to lead me on my way. I pray for God to keep me safe. I pray to God that my story can help someone else. I even pray for my blog and inspiration.
I don’t only pray but I talk to God. When I feel lonely or scared. When I get worried or sad. I talk to God and I pray.

For us in the 1st world it’s hard to believe in a bigger power than ourselves, and that’s a shame.
In the 3rd world almost everyone has faith, the difference is that they don’t know that they will live another day. They leave their destiny in the hands of God. Which is helpful and strengthening.

We will always have our problems. No matter what they are or why. Even when we leave them in God’s hand they exists to us, but when we share our fears and problems we are sure we never will carry them alone.

For me it feels safe. I know that God is watching over me, that he is listening and keeping me safe. I know that he is walking with me.

I grew up with Christianity and Satanism. I have tried a lot of different religions before I became an atheist. After that I found God.
There isn’t one religion that I felt more safe with than now. I am studying the adventist and their religion. And I feel safe and I feel good. I enjoy myself every time I go to church. No matter whether it’s for the biblestudies or the sabbaths.

I don’t feel alone anymore. I feel safe. I know that no matter what happens I have someone to watch over me and someone who’s guiding me.

Growing up for me was hell.
I was bullied, poor, abused, raped. I used sex, alcohol, drugs, self harm, food and crimes to keep myself up. And honestly it just broke me even more. Even if I couldn’t see it back then, but I can now.

I sit in my bed listening to my music and see that if I continue working on my relationship with God and working hard with myself and my interests I might be successful one day. I see that I have a future. As I said in a previous post I don’t think I am going to get old, butI believe I can make a difference now.

God, music, writing, animals, gaming, friends and family is now what defines me.

God helped me are you sure he can’t help you?

Run, run away. Run, run along.

Someday’s we all wake up and feel like all we want is to escape, like all we want is to go back to sleep and hide for the day that we are expected to meet.
I believe at some point we all have been there, so maybe more often that others, but it’s something we all can relate to.

It might be dark or cold.
You might be sick, or depressed.
You might wake up to the rain or to a fight at home.
Car breaks, Sirens, wind.
Someone flushing or showering.
Children might be jumping on your bed or dogs might be whining in your ear, because they are ready for their morning walk.
Maybe you have school, work or a meeting to go to?
Church, Hospital, Friends, Family?
Or just some stranger knocking on your door.

And I don’t hold the answers of what to do.
I don’t want to most of the time, usually I go back to sleep, no matter if I wake up at 7 am or 2 pm. If I don’t have something I must do or that I promised to do.

I was at the doctor’s yesterday and they took 8 different blood sample pipe thingies, and there is more to take, the doctor was supposed to call be today if any of these test would show anything, but they never called so I guess they didn’t.
I don’t know what I am about to face, all is that my doctor will contact me on Monday to continue.
This doctor believes in me, in what I am saying. She believes it’s something wrong. That I wouldn’t feel this way otherwise, and it feels amazing to finally have a doctor that believes me and just doesn’t send me home saying “It’s nothing”.

I have been really tired today and I have meant to blog more today than what I have, but considering I have slept a lot and just laying down resting.

One of my closest friends is really worried about me and wanted me to go to the E.R one night when it got worse, of course I didn’t do as he said. I followed my own path, waiting, holding on, who knows it might have passed?
I don’t know what to do to help his worry. I am not completely sure what I feel myself.
I don’t even know why I am blogging about this?
Maybe it’s nice to not carrying it alone.

On other point I have started talking to my mom about how I feel at home.
Unsafe, unwelcome, that I’m a burden, that I am in the way, etc.
What I get out if it is that my mother believes I have ADD and post-traumatic stress syndrome.
So much fun.
Even know when I got so bad with my physical health she wants to diagnose me.
And I am sick of it, but I have no clue how to make it stop.

On the other hand I am going to church tomorrow/today, depending on where you live.
And I am going to read a text from the bible, and fun enough I am super nervous, but it feels great in the same time.
I get to stand there and read a text that means a lot to me, EVEN IF it’s about the birth of Jesus.

Although I hate Christmas, four days left.
Four days left.
Marry Christmas for those of you who like this holiday,
and don’t kill yourself for those who doesn’t.

Good Morning Mr.

Well I haven’t blogged in a few days and I am very aware of it.

I just wanted to let you know that at the moment I am not doing so good, physocally or mentally. I have been in contact with a doctor who I am seeing on Thursday and I am going on my theraphy every Tuesday and Thursday.

But I have wanted to tell you something.
There is a woman and her son that comes to church once in a while. They are both very amazing.
Eight years ago when her son was on his way to school he met some other kids and they beat him up which resulted in a severe brain injury. He eats a lot of medicine at the moment and his mother feels like it changes him for the worse.
I told them that I will help them anyway I can and because she finds it hard to go places with him because people don’t understand, I told her I can go do things with them if they want to.

I am really worried about them and they are lovely people, I care a lot about them.
So besides my own bad health this is where my energy goes.

I really hope I can do some good for them.
They really need it, so if you have any advice please share them!

Thank you.

Dear god…

It’s Tuesday and like every week I have been at church, studying the bible.

I believe in God. And I am studying his word.
It’s a chocie I have made without force.

Before this I have been into Buddism and Satanism. All by my own choice.

I needed something to believe in and after my mother got better I took an active choice.

Since I found God I haven’t felt as lonely as I did before. It saved me. I have someone everday, all day to share everything with.

I am not going to throw my religion at you.
And I ask you not to throw yours on me.

This is just something I wanted to share.
This is important for me. Just as the blog and every other of my intrests.

I pray, I try my best.
I am NOT better OR worse than anyone else. The same goes for you. We are all created equal.