Book of the month: Surrounded by idiots.

I’m reading a book called “Omgiven av Idioter” by Thomas Erikson. The title direcly translates to “Surrounded by idiots”.
It’s an easy version of complicated pshychology, that explain how different people work and how to handle them.
In the book there is 4 categories. Red, yellow, blue and green. Each color represents a person and their personality.
The moment I read the first page it captured me.
The colors.
Red: Dominance. Ambitious, courius, driven, impatient, direct.
Yellow: Inspiring. Emotional, creative, spontanious, optimistic, empathic.
Green: Stability. Loyal, helpful, friendly, careful, attentive.
Blue: Analyical. Logic, careful, structured, objective, distanced.
These are only a few of the typical traits for each color.
Most people are green and/or a mix of colors.
I’m yellow and green. When I’m not in my illness and it doesn’t take over I’m a very happy, optimistic, creative, open, outgoing etc. which are typical for a yellow person. I’m loyal, helpful, friendly, suppotive, considerate etc. which are typical for a green person.
I have my illness and it takes over and my emotions take over so I can’t think or act clear like I usually do, but when I’m good and feel good it’s obvious that I’m yellow and green. I act on emotion without a thought behind it.
I’m not done with the book but I love it and I recommed everyone to read it, not only will you understand others but also yourself. Plus it’s a good way to spend some time. But take you time, don’t go though it too fast, let the words sink in and if you want to you can do like me, I have a green marker that I mark things that I feel are important. Works for me.
Good luck.

Lecture.

The plan is that I am going to start lecturing about mental health in late August or early Septemeber. I thought I’d walk you through my plan, I’m not done with it but any how, I’m publishing it officially e here.
Please enjoy and leave your thoughts.

My reason for lecturing:
I have many reasons actually. I want to help people that’s suffering or knows someone that’s suffeing because of their mental health, which also means I want to reach out to the world letting them know that they are not alone. If I help one person they can help another and so on, in the same time it’s a way for me to deal with my past and trauma and such. I also want to spread knowledge and understanding about people’s mental health.

Who I am:
After introducing my lecture I’ll move on to who I am. My name, age, where I’m from, my intrests. My goals in life etc.

What I’ve been through:
On this subject I’ll talk about things that made me who I am, what I’ve been through. Trauma, medical history, my relationship with my parents etc.

Reason behind my mental health:
Here I’ll go more into what caused my mental problems, what caused my diagnosis.

My turn in life:
This one is the most important to me of what I’m going to talk about. Music, more specific Green Day. How they changed my life, how they opened my eyes, ears, heart, feelings and made me realized that what was going on was far from ok. On this subject I’ll talk about what music can do for you, in many possible ways, but mostly I’ll talk about Green Day. Also I’ll talk about how I found God, just it isn’t the main point here.

Selfharm and suicide attempts:
About this I’m going to talk about my selfharm and over a 100 suicide attempts. I’m not going to much about how and what I’ve done to myself but I’m going to talk about why. Drugs, alcohol is going to be brought up here as well.

Friends and family’s reaction:
This one speaks for it self. I’m going to talk about how the people near me has reacted.

My health today:
Sure it still goes up and down, with my diagnosis that’s the only way it goes, but I know who I am, how I work and what I’m like when I have my good periods. This subject will be about focusing on the good things in my life.

If others need help:
This one is the last. I will talk about what you can do for someone who is depressed etc, the signs and my own experience with people around me suffering because of their mental health.

After this I’ll leae information where they can get a hold of me.

All these are really important, both to me and others.
And of course it will be a trigger warning before I begin.

Leave a comment or contact me on mail/social media if there’s any questions or something you think I should talk about. That includes your own experience if you want to, I can’t promise that it will come up, but I’ll have it in mind.

Thank you.

Views.

I’ve checked my statistics, wow! There’s a lot of countries that have checked out/read my blog.

For some of them being: Sweden, USA, India, UK, Italy France, Greece, Colombia, Ghana and Japan.

That must mean I at least have some content that interest people.
Thank you!

If there is something you want to see or mention on my blog leave a comment I read them all!

Thank you, see you soon!

Yesterday was special. I got to take a look at my new apartment, plus it was six years ago my father passed.

I miss him and I would have loved to share this experience this with him. It’s such a big happening in my life, but in a way I’m sure he was there with me, at least in my heart.

I don’t know what date I will move in or what date I will shop furniture and such but we hope I’m near future

This is big and I’m  genuinely happy!

Green Day – Still Breathing

I’m like a child looking off on the horizon
I’m like an ambulance that’s turning on the sirens
Oh, I’m still alive
I’m like a soldier coming home for the first time
I dodged a bullet and I walked across a landmine
Oh, I’m still alive

Am I bleeding am I bleeding from the storm?
Just shine a light into the wreckage, so far away, away

‘Cause I’m still breathing
‘Cause I’m still breathing on my own
My head’s above the rain and roses
Making my way away
‘Cause I’m still breathing
‘Cause I’m still breathing on my own
My head’s above the rain and roses
Making my way away
My way to you

I’m like a junkie tying off for the last time
I’m like a loser that’s betting on his last dime
Oh, I’m still alive
I’m like a son that was raised without a father
I’m like a mother barely keeping it together
Oh, I’m still alive

Am I bleeding, am I bleeding from the storm?
Just shine a light into the wreckage, so far away, away

‘Cause I’m still breathing
‘Cause I’m still breathing on my own
My head’s above the rain and roses
Making my way away
‘Cause I’m still breathing
‘Cause I’m still breathing on my own
My head’s above the rain and roses
Making my way, away, away

As I walked out on the ledge
Are you scared to death to live?
I’ve been running all my life
Just to find a home that’s for the restless
And the truth that’s in the message
Making my way, away, away

‘Cause I’m still breathing
‘Cause I’m still breathing on my own
My head’s above the rain and roses
Making my way away
‘Cause I’m still breathing
‘Cause I’m still breathing on my own
My head’s above the rain and roses
Making my way, away, away
‘Cause I’m still breathing
‘Cause I’m still breathing on my own
My head’s above the rain and roses
Making my way, away
My way to you

Revolution Radio.

It’s been a while since the triology and now there is a new album, Revolution Radio.

I gave up, I was ready to end it all until I heard the new songs. As always Green Day makes me feel like there is hope, that I can survive no matter what hell I’m going through. They give me courage to breathe, they inspire me to keep writing and playing drums. They help me realize I have to stop running in order to live the life I want to live.

I know I write alot about Green Day, but they saved me more times than I can count and they keep saving me.

And that’s when the frustration stepps in. I can’t have Green Day as my only reason, but currently they are. I want my life to have a meaning and the only thing I’ve got is the music. I know that’s not a bad thing, but it makes the fall harder when I got nothing else to rely on.

American Idiot; My story.

This is the story how Green Day changed my life for the first time.

My story starts watching the Simpsons movie which planted the name Green Day in my head. After that there is a break until christmas eve. Christmas was always chaotic, and this year was no different. The first thing that happened after we came home from my aunts house was that we started to fight it ended up with me at 11 years old got kicked out in the cold and snowing christmas eve. I wasn’t welcome back home for a long period of time so I lived with my grandmother until it was time to go to mom’s place over new years. Mom and me decided not to celebrate new years eve, mostly for the dogs sake but I couldn’t sleep that night. So I stayed up on my phone looking for music when I found Green Day’s American Idiot. There was one line that got stuck in my head “Everything isn’t meant to be OK”. It got me thinking and I started to realize that the way things looked with my father, the things that happened and the situation wasn’t OK. So when the time came to go back home I refused to go back, which made me end up in foster care.

American Idiot also got me intressed in music over all, and eventually I started playing myself.

There is only one thing I sometimes can regret, and that’s the fact no one took me from my parents much sooner. But Green Day have always been there for me, no matter what happened and them coming into my life was the best thing that could have happened. I’m forever grateful.

 

Giver or taker.

I was once told that I’m not a person that needs love, but instead I’m a person that needs to love.

There is truth in these words.
I feel better giving love than I do when I receive love.

Crash

“Hold me now ’cause I couldn’t even if I tried
It’s over now I guess it really is my time
I don’t wanna go but it’s time I gotta say goodbye
So hold me now ’cause this will be our last time
I’m slowing down and I don’t think that I can fight
I know somehow that you will find a way to live your life
Remember just to live everyday like it’s your last
Hold me now ’cause I think it’s time for me to pass

I don’t wanna die I don’t know why this kinda faith was meant for me
You gotta be strong gotta move on it’s not how it was supposed to be
What do I say it was never supposed to end up this way
What do I have to do was supposed to grow old with you
That ain’t gonna happen no that ain’t gonna happen

Hold me now ’cause the time I’ve got is running out
No tears allowed even though we become without
I just wanna feel your head laying on my chest
So hold me now as I take my last breath

I don’t wanna die I don’t know why this kinda faith was meant for me
You gotta be strong gotta move on it’s not how it was supposed to be
What do I say it was never supposed to end up this way
What do I have to do was supposed to grow old with you
That ain’t gonna happen no that ain’t gonna happen”
Crash – Sum 41

This is one of my favorite songs. It explains the feeling of dying, a feeling I live with everyday and I know that if I didn’t feel this way everything would be different.
I feel like I’m dying, like my time is running out. I’m too tired to fight it, because I’ve seen the comfort of dying. I’ve seen the tunnel, I’ve felt my body disappear, I’ve felt that final peace, that final hope, that final rest, that final calm. It’s the best thing I’ve ever felt.
And this feeling like I’m dying together with the black pit in my stomach sucking me dry from all hope, dream, motivation and inspiration… it doesn’t leave me much joy. My joy is to know that this will all be over one day.
I can’t feel happiness, excitement etc. for anything in life, all I feel is this sorrow, anger. I know how to smile, but I can never feel it. I   lost all feelings for my friends and family. I know that I care and would do anything for them but I can’t feel it.
I started out to only push anxiety, panic, worry, sorrow and rage away, but now I can’t feel anything except this longing to die, for it all to be over. I push it all away, ’cause it used to be the only way I could keep myself alive. The feeling of dying took over, it’s who I am, who I’ve been. It’s me and it’s my story.

If you think fighting for me, fighting to keep me alive would help… then go ahead, but I don’t want to try anymore. So if you get into this fight then you better win or lose fighting. Because I can’t do that. I can’t see what you see. All I can see is an ending, my ending, my way, my goodbye. So you fight little solider, but keep me the hell put of it.
Thank you.

Best of Me.

My dream is simple, yet so complicated.
Let’s start with the complicated version.

I once received a gift, different from any gift I ever received. This gift wasn’t sent to me personally ally and it was three years old, brand new to me and I needed it. The gift wasn’t send from anyone I knew, instead it as sent from three American men, for anyone who would hear it.

I remember when I received it. New years eve 2007. I was 11 at that point and I was spending new years eve with my mother in a tiny village in South Sweden named Grönahult.
I laid next to my mother in her dark bedroom, she’d been asleep for what felt like forever. I was on my phone looking for a new game. I didn’t find one, but instead I received a gift that would save my life.

Time went by and because of this gift I learnt how to say “no”. These men taught me how to stand up for myself, they made me feel valuable, like I could make a difference.
There were no adults that help me get away from my parents, no teachers, no friends, no family. It was my no that got me away from the violence at home. My no, that these three men taught me, saved me.

As I got older these men stuck with me. These men and what they do is still an important part of my life.
They taught me valuable lessons, I made friends, I got experiences, I learnt things.
They kept me alive, they kept me walking.
They gave me a family, they gave me so much.

And that is what I want to do. I want to help, to inspire. I want to make someone’s life better. I want to give someone hope. I want to be a person who never stops giving.

I want to share my music, my writing with the world, with the one who needs it.

Short version:
I want to be a well known musician and songwriter.

These three men I’m talking about are Green Day. Green Day are today Billie Joe Armstrong, Mike Dirnt, Tré Cool and Jason White.

I’m on the path of reaching my dreams.
I play drums and I write everything I possibly can.

But then of course we have another view of it. An insecurity, a self-hatred, that keeps me from any progress. I can play, but I get insecure and start blaming myself when I try something new or when I play with or for others. In fact playing by myself is hard enough. I have to repeatedly tell myself “I can do this” only to play in an empty house.

It got better since I got home, but instead I realized a mistake that got me to write this.

I sent in an application to a school about the music classes, 50% high school and 50% music.
I messed up the application by naming the email wrong. The application was due May the 1st, then days ago.

I didn’t know how to manage the situation, so I thought I was going to do what I always do, write.
I thought I was going to explain what music means to me, but words never seem to be enough.

“Music to me is the air that I breathe, it’s the blood that pumps through my veins that keeps me alive” – Billie Joe Armstrong