Collab?

My blog is currently a work in progress, I’m working with the layout and design. A collab is also coming! Hope you are as excited as I am!

Lecture.

The plan is that I am going to start lecturing about mental health in late August or early Septemeber. I thought I’d walk you through my plan, I’m not done with it but any how, I’m publishing it officially e here.
Please enjoy and leave your thoughts.

My reason for lecturing:
I have many reasons actually. I want to help people that’s suffering or knows someone that’s suffeing because of their mental health, which also means I want to reach out to the world letting them know that they are not alone. If I help one person they can help another and so on, in the same time it’s a way for me to deal with my past and trauma and such. I also want to spread knowledge and understanding about people’s mental health.

Who I am:
After introducing my lecture I’ll move on to who I am. My name, age, where I’m from, my intrests. My goals in life etc.

What I’ve been through:
On this subject I’ll talk about things that made me who I am, what I’ve been through. Trauma, medical history, my relationship with my parents etc.

Reason behind my mental health:
Here I’ll go more into what caused my mental problems, what caused my diagnosis.

My turn in life:
This one is the most important to me of what I’m going to talk about. Music, more specific Green Day. How they changed my life, how they opened my eyes, ears, heart, feelings and made me realized that what was going on was far from ok. On this subject I’ll talk about what music can do for you, in many possible ways, but mostly I’ll talk about Green Day. Also I’ll talk about how I found God, just it isn’t the main point here.

Selfharm and suicide attempts:
About this I’m going to talk about my selfharm and over a 100 suicide attempts. I’m not going to much about how and what I’ve done to myself but I’m going to talk about why. Drugs, alcohol is going to be brought up here as well.

Friends and family’s reaction:
This one speaks for it self. I’m going to talk about how the people near me has reacted.

My health today:
Sure it still goes up and down, with my diagnosis that’s the only way it goes, but I know who I am, how I work and what I’m like when I have my good periods. This subject will be about focusing on the good things in my life.

If others need help:
This one is the last. I will talk about what you can do for someone who is depressed etc, the signs and my own experience with people around me suffering because of their mental health.

After this I’ll leae information where they can get a hold of me.

All these are really important, both to me and others.
And of course it will be a trigger warning before I begin.

Leave a comment or contact me on mail/social media if there’s any questions or something you think I should talk about. That includes your own experience if you want to, I can’t promise that it will come up, but I’ll have it in mind.

Thank you.

Wake up!

We as humans have a responsibiliy against ourselves and we’re not taking our responsibility seriously.

It’s time we wake up.

Love thy neighboor.
We’re all sisters and brothers, not in blood, but on earth.
Our color, gender, religion etc. shouldn’t matter.
We’re not supposed to fight each other nor to hurt one another.
We’re all in this together, let’s make the best of it.
We need to be there for each other, to help each other, all of us go though different stages in life such as death, birth, love, depression, cancer etc.

People make mistakes, we’re not perfect, but the trick is to not hold hatred in our hearts.
Don’t be angry with someone who’s opinions are different than yours, you might never agree with you best friends, but the hatred and diversion it causes is something we need to work hard on.

Think hard and long about how you treat others and how you want to be treated.
What comes aound goes aound.

Take care of each other, love each other, help each other.

You don’t know. Truth about my childhood.

I always get to hear how sorry people are about my parents.
I also get to hear that they understand what I’m going through.
Do they? If they knew they wouldn’t say that.

I had lost both my parents by the age of 22. I was 15 when my father died and 21 when my mother died.

My mother had been sick all my life and I’ve seen her so many times laying in bed vomiting and sleeping 24/7. I’ve also seen her in liver comas, and I’ve seen her dying before she did. My relationship with my mom wasn’t the best.

My father wasn’t nice to me. A lot happened, in his life that I got to take the hits for. He beated me, he sexually assulted me, he kicked me out of the house, he lied, he told me I was the biggest mistake of his life, that I wasn’t worth anything. These are only a few events.

No matter what my parents said and did to me I still love them and miss them everyday.
I don’t know how they felt about me, but I believe they loved me no matter how bad things got.

You don’t undersand, and you never will.
I’ve saved my parents lives, more than once but people don’t know that. They only think I was an ungrateful brat.

The worst part isn’t what my parents put me through, it was what the world around me didn’t do. They watched, got angry at me as soon as I did something they didn’t understand. They gave up on me when I didn’t make the progress they expected. Adults who I’ve relyed on let me down not knowing what I’ve gone through.

My mom had a boyfriend who beat me and his own daughter up. I provoced him to get to beat me instead, most of the time it worked. He didn’t only beat me but also did such things as locking me in in a small dark wardrobe. Mom knew about this but she didn’t do anything until he tried to rape her. He almost cost mom her life.

After my father kicked my out on chrismas eve I wasn’t welcome back for a long time. Because his new wife’s son hit my dolls hard against the table and I tried to make him stop, which he wouldn’t. So I went to my father and he protected his wife and stepson. Later he told me I wasn’t welcomed in their home anymore. I was 11. I went home to my grandmother and over new years I went to my mother. On new years eve my life changed. I found my favorite band. Green Day.

Green Day have a song called “American Idiot”, and in that song there’s a line that goes “Evething isn’t ment to be ok”. These words changed my life. I realized what was going on wasn’t ok, I somehow I tried to get out of the situation. Which I did. If I would have stayed I’d probably be dead by now, I know I tried to kill myself and almost with success.

What I wrote now doesn’t nearly cover everthing, but I’m done keeping these secrets.
Hate me for all you want, don’t hate my parents, I don’t. They did what they knew.

My childhood and my trauma has shaped me. I constantly work towards becoming a better person, the person I want to be, but there’s a lot I can’t and won’t accept. One of these things being seeing other kids being treated this way. If I see or know that they are being threated this way I won’t sit down an shut up.

Call me a liar or what ever you want, but this is a part of my story, my truth.

American Idiot; My story.

This is the story how Green Day changed my life for the first time.

My story starts watching the Simpsons movie which planted the name Green Day in my head. After that there is a break until christmas eve. Christmas was always chaotic, and this year was no different. The first thing that happened after we came home from my aunts house was that we started to fight it ended up with me at 11 years old got kicked out in the cold and snowing christmas eve. I wasn’t welcome back home for a long period of time so I lived with my grandmother until it was time to go to mom’s place over new years. Mom and me decided not to celebrate new years eve, mostly for the dogs sake but I couldn’t sleep that night. So I stayed up on my phone looking for music when I found Green Day’s American Idiot. There was one line that got stuck in my head “Everything isn’t meant to be OK”. It got me thinking and I started to realize that the way things looked with my father, the things that happened and the situation wasn’t OK. So when the time came to go back home I refused to go back, which made me end up in foster care.

American Idiot also got me intressed in music over all, and eventually I started playing myself.

There is only one thing I sometimes can regret, and that’s the fact no one took me from my parents much sooner. But Green Day have always been there for me, no matter what happened and them coming into my life was the best thing that could have happened. I’m forever grateful.

 

Happy Valentine.

Valentines day.

I got a call from my mother.
And I’ve got some bad news…
My mother’s disease is back.

She told me it doesn’t matter how many transplants it takes her disease will keep coming back.

A year and half ago my mother was dying. We got the call just in time. A miracle. Only a few days later and she wouldn’t have got it. I almost lost her before.

I don’t know how to go through this again…

Well happy ❤day for the rest of you.

Words to a beautiful soul.

We said goodbye to your beautiful soul
A woman so strong, a woman so loved
Memories we made, will be kept close at hand
Such a beautiful soul unlike no other

I hope you rest in peace, an eternal sleep
All the smiles you brought us
Your joy and energy, will never be forgotten
These words I dedicate to you
Beautiful memories, important forever

The loss is heart breaking,
Watching through another’s eyes
Prayers for your family
In my thoughts you live

I hope you rest in peace, an eternal sleep
All the smiles you brought us
Your joy and energy, will never be forgotten
These words I dedicate to you
Beautiful memories, important forever

I don’t know why this kind of faith was meant for you,
It seems so unfair, another loss to bear
Your memory remains, close at heart
One day it will be OK,
I can’t wait until we meet again.

Coming clean.

It doesn’t matter what I said before, here comes the honest truth.
I OD’d 4 times.
The first one was meant to kill me.
No one knew my plans, it was supposed to work, it almost did.
Since I woke up I haven’t stopped blaming myself for that failure, I haven’t stopped punishing myself.
The other 3 OD’s was my way to punish myself for my failed suicide attempt.
I knew that it wouldn’t kill me, any of these times, even if two of them was a deadly.
Because I knew my mother would get me to a hospital, but I got to pay for it.
I damaged my own body and I can still feel it. I punished myself for being reckless.
I should have waited.
So I could have gone in silence, but I fucked up, and that mistake saved my life.

I’m not okay.
I don’t know how take it through, I’m trying but all I want to do is to shove those pills down my throat, a dose that half of it is deadly.

I’m writing it here because that’s not what I’m going to do, no matter how much I want to.

I still want this all to be over, but I don’t think I actually want to die, I just want it to be over and suicide became my solution.

And if you have problems with me writing this, go fuck yourself.
I’m not looking for attention, I just need to get this off my chest and no one is listening to me.
And I have to get it out some how.
Even if it’s here.

I know I deserve to feel like this.
Because of all the pain I’ve caused, but I’m still just human and I’m tired to keeping it all inside.
I’m tired of playing this game that everything is alright.

Here is the truth.
Accept it or not, I don’t care.
But I’m speaking and you have the chance to listen.
It’s up to you to take that chance or not.

It’s like a black pit, sucking me dry of everything I’ve got.
I wake up with this feeling and I go to sleep with it.
I find no reason to get up in the morning, because all I see is hatred and anger.
I see our world as we know it coming to an end.
I forgot what happiness feels like.
I forgot what it’s like to love.
I forgot what it feels like to be loved.
I’m terrified.
I’m lonely.
I’m lost.
I hate talking to people because I don’t want to bring anyone down.
I believe I deserve all of this.
I deserve everything bad that happened to me since the day I was born.
I don’t deserve friends, a home, an education, an income.
I deserve to die, this is what I truly believe.
I deserve the blame and the hate.
So load it up on me.
Stop hating others, hate me!

It doesn’t matter how much you love me because I don’t feel it.
The only way I could live with myself is to cut all feelings off.
I stopped loving my friends and family.
I stopped enjoying what I loved.
I cut of happiness and all chance of becoming who I actually want to be.
Because that’s the only way I can live with myself.

So I don’t deserve your love and kindness.
Turn around, slam the door and walk away.

I listened to the snake.
Because…
An illusion for the eye, mind and soul.
A make belief for the weak in heart.
A broken soul is easy to turn around.
I saw the illusion and I followed.
An easy road, the perfect illusion.
While the truth forgotten.

I disobeyed our Lord.
I deserve to be punished, because who can forgive my actions?
I got a warning, a second chance, but still I tried.

I’m not okay.
I lack the motivation and inspiration.
And I have no clue on what to do next.
I’ve prayed, without expecting an answer.
I don’t deserve his love.

But still I keep walking no matter how tempting that bottle is.
I still work on the music even though I forgot it’s meaning.
I still talk to my friends, I still try, because I know that deep down I still love them.

But this dark…
Numb and isolating.
I forget everything I used to feel.
I forget everything that I know.
How the fuck am I supposed to get out?
How?

One of my best friends know what keeps me walking, I don’t know how her faith can be so strong. I admire her.
So beautiful, kind, loving but still bitchy as in hell.
And my other best friend. She’s trying, but the hatred and anger in her heart is tearing her apart. She let me know that very clearly. In my eyes she is strong, but in need of someone and I can’t be that one. Not now after what I’ve done.

I know that in my heart I love these two girls like they were my family.
I can never repay them, I can never make this undone, I can never be what they the friend they deserve.

I know that at least one of them used to read my blog and I hope she sees this to because of what I’m about to write.

In my heart I hope that these two girls can become as good friends as we used to be. I hope they together can find a way to deal with this even if they need to make a voodoo doll of me and burn it.
Because they deserve each other.

To my mother, a hero in my story.

A year ago my mother was dying.
My mother, my stepfather still had hope.
But I was getting ready to say my goodbye, to enjoy the little time we had left.

This time last year was hard.
For the entire family.

Most nights I spent sleepless, so I could watch over mother during night. Daytime I knew she would be around others that could help.

I haven’t met my mother in a couple of months, so I can’t say what it would be like meeting her again, but what I do know is that she was the only one I had after father died. I rarely talked to my friends at this point, almost never left mother‘s side.

I remember that the day we got the call from the hospital we decided to go into town. I met a friend of mine and she knew how tired and upset I was. She told me this:
“Totoro will come and save you”
We get home and I went to sleep. Mother woke me up later that evening and told me they called.

Mother had been sick for 30 years.
One year can’t make up for that but…

The one thing I miss the most when it comes to my father it’s to be able to pick up the phone and call him.
I can still call my mother. I can tell if she’s happy, excited, tired or worried.

One year can’t make up for what we’ve lost, but one year is a lot better than the few weeks she had left.
That we had left.

June the 25th last year my mother got a new liver from a donator in Norway.
Mother was dying and her only child was watching her only parent die.

I can’t explain how much this opportunity means for anyone of us.
Sure I still have problems and feelings that I haven’t dealt with, but that doesn’t mean I’m not grateful.

I can never thank God enough for giving mother a chance.
Mother can live the life she wants and deserves.

Thank you mom, for never giving up.
I remember how you said:
“You have lost your father, I won’t let you lose me too”.
I might be angry and sad with you, but you are my mother.
Thank you mom.
Thank you for being a hero.

Thank you God for giving us a chance.
Thank you for giving mom a chance.
Thank you for the sacrifices, the love, the hope and the faith.
Thank you.
Amen.

The pic is from my instagram, taken right before mother had to leave for the hospital.

Dear daddy.

There is a lot left unspoken.
It’s been four years since you left us.
Even after four years I lack words.

But I know, that because of you I will make it. All the anger, tears and nightmares. The sorrow, love, hope and pride.
Being left with a loss and painful memories.

You haven’t been around for some time now, but the pain is still strong.
I never stop wondering how things could have been between us.

Four years, it might as well just have been yesterday you passed.
Days go by, but the whole in my heart will never be filled.
Weeks go by, but the feelings won’t change.
Years won’t make me love, hate or miss you any less.

4 years I’ve been away.
4 years you’ve been dead.
I’m back home now.
Won’t you come back to life?

The first year was filled with nightmares.
You would die, I’d bury you. We got to grandmother’s and you would stand there on her porch with your stupid smile. Everyone forgot and acted like normal while I’d freak out. Crying, screaming and hitting you, I never forgot.
Some nights you told me I was right, other nights you’d just be alive again.
For a year I woke up screaming, crying, hitting, kicking or by mother waking me up because I freaked out in my sleep.
The nights you’d just be alive was the worst. Because when I’d wake up I had to realize it was just a dream.

I remember the last thing you said to me.
I remember the last time you looked at me.
I remember the last time I saw you.

How am I supposed to get over this?
Mom even got angry with me and told me to “get over it”.
How could I?

I’ve had this mask on since you died. A mask saying it’s all OK, and when mom started getting angry with me I started putting it on around her too.

Truth is… I miss you and I want you back.
I don’t want to hate you.
I don’t want to be hurt.
I don’t want to be angry.
It’s just easier.

When I see myself in a mirror I remind myself of you. I see your anger in me.

I’m daddy’s girl, and I always will be your girl.

I remember how you looked at me when I sat behind the drums and I want to make it.
I want to make it for your sake as well as my own and for others.
The bound you and I shared when it comes to music I today only share with Ida.

I’ll make you proud,
I’ll give your death a meaning.

You’re gone and never coming back.

“Lars Nilsson
12/7-1966 – 5/6-2011
Älskad – Saknad
Far, bror
och son
Vila i frid”

Jag älskar dig pappa.