As I sit here with a scented candle lit and loud music in my headphones I feel how a difference God made in my life.
I am terrified, of the dark, my health, my future. Sometimes of myself and this world. There are times when I am scared that I will go back to my old ways of self harm. It’s scary.
I used to believe that I was a lonely person. That I had nothing to live for. I felt like I was drifting away in space. Like I was nothing. Even today I have very low thoughts about myself and what I can accomplish.
The big difference is that I made a choice.
I wanted a better life, for myself and for my frien
d and family. I made a choice that I would no longer be in the tight grip of depression.
My biggest strength is found in God, music and my writing, but with my low self-esteem I would get no where. In anything. I was just blaming myself, telling myself how worthless I was.
I decided that it was time for me to recover. I decided to get to know God and that I was no longer in any need of any medication.
I haven’t ate my antidepressant medicine in a long time.
I still have feelings. I get scared, angry, sad, frustrated. I still talk down on myself, but for everyday that goes I get a little bit closer to God. And everyday I feel a little bit more like myself again.
I pray when I get scared. I pray when I am going to play drums. I pray for my health. I pray for my friend and family. I pray for God to lead me on my way. I pray for God to keep me safe. I pray to God that my story can help someone else. I even pray for my blog and inspiration.
I don’t only pray but I talk to God. When I feel lonely or scared. When I get worried or sad. I talk to God and I pray.
For us in the 1st world it’s hard to believe in a bigger power than ourselves, and that’s a shame.
In the 3rd world almost everyone has faith, the difference is that they don’t know that they will live another day. They leave their destiny in the hands of God. Which is helpful and strengthening.
We will always have our problems. No matter what they are or why. Even when we leave them in God’s hand they exists to us, but when we share our fears and problems we are sure we never will carry them alone.
For me it feels safe. I know that God is watching over me, that he is listening and keeping me safe. I know that he is walking with me.
I grew up with Christianity and Satanism. I have tried a lot of different religions before I became an atheist. After that I found God.
There isn’t one religion that I felt more safe with than now. I am studying the adventist and their religion. And I feel safe and I feel good. I enjoy myself every time I go to church. No matter whether it’s for the biblestudies or the sabbaths.
I don’t feel alone anymore. I feel safe. I know that no matter what happens I have someone to watch over me and someone who’s guiding me.
Growing up for me was hell.
I was bullied, poor, abused, raped. I used sex, alcohol, drugs, self harm, food and crimes to keep myself up. And honestly it just broke me even more. Even if I couldn’t see it back then, but I can now.
I sit in my bed listening to my music and see that if I continue working on my relationship with God and working hard with myself and my interests I might be successful one day. I see that I have a future. As I said in a previous post I don’t think I am going to get old, butI believe I can make a difference now.
God, music, writing, animals, gaming, friends and family is now what defines me.
God helped me are you sure he can’t help you?
Shadowanie - About the girl who became me. 