Body acceptance is for everyone!

I saw this photo on Facebook.

I just lost the little faith I had in humanity.

You’ve got one body, and that’s the only one you’ll ever have. You can’t spend your time being miserable about your body. Accept your body, embrace your body!

Being fat is not about over-eating or eating a lot of treats. There is a lot more too it.
Many people who are big are big because of something, there is a reason.

I can tell you my reason for being big and that’s because I’m sick, I’ve a disease that has no cure and it brings weight problems with it. Losing weight is harder than a lot of things, the one way I can lose weight is to stop eating. And I’m not talking about over-eating, I’m talking about eating one apple a day and that’s it.
I’m out walking everyday, I’m walking a minimum of an hour. I can’t take an hour walk just on an apple. What about school and work how can I keep that up on an apple?

All people needs to eat, the food holds the energy we need. So these big men and women should stop eating because they are fat in society’s eyes? So they are going to starve themselves because they can accept their bodies because you won’t let them?

Everyone is beautiful in their own way, no matter what.
I’m beautiful. You’re beautiful. All the people on the picture above is beautiful. Because beauty isn’t the way you look, it’s who you are and what you are on the inside, but body acceptance is for everyone. We all have something we don’t like about ourselves. We only have one body, one life, one try.

So love your body, take care of it, no matter how you look! Put on a smile and be proud. No one knows what you have been trough. No one knows why you look the way you do. No one knows your story!

So no matter if you’re big, or if you have one leg, or one boob, stand up, and stand up with pride. You have your story, you’re the only one that knows it. There is nothing wrong with you.

All your scars, extra weight, missing body parts, burns, bruises, birthmarks, freckles.
All your imperfections, all signs of life and struggle.
They make you YOU!

Body acceptance is for everyone.

There are so many people out there, young and old, men and women, that is doing everything they can to be accepted about the way they look, but it’s not about self acceptance is about society accepting them and their bodies.
They starve themselves, they train, they use make up, they get surgeries, fake legs, fake arms, fake breasts, fake nose. All so society will accept their bodies, because they can’t accept their bodies the way they are.

I’m not that good at accepting my body either, and when people say things about the way people look it breaks my heart, because I know the struggle. I hate myself, I hate the way I look. And it’s not because of me. I hate my body because I’ve been told how ugly I am, I’ve been taught to hate my body, all because I don’t fit into the beauty standards of the society we live in.

And I have all body parts, all the body parts that can be seen that is, but what I have is extra weight. I’ve scars covering my arms and legs.
Everyone sees that. My weight and my scars, but no one knows my story. All the trauma I’ve been through, the stress, the pain, the misery, the betrayal. No one truly knows these things except me.
I’m not satisfied with my body, but I only have one.
But then again…

All your scars, extra weight, missing body parts, burns, bruises, birthmarks, freckles.
All your imperfections, all signs of life and struggle.
They make you YOU!

Body acceptance is for everyone.

For all of you out there struggling with your body, no matter why, no matter how, you are not alone. I’m sending love, prayers, strength and hope to you.
May God bless you and help you on your journey.

To my mother, a hero in my story.

A year ago my mother was dying.
My mother, my stepfather still had hope.
But I was getting ready to say my goodbye, to enjoy the little time we had left.

This time last year was hard.
For the entire family.

Most nights I spent sleepless, so I could watch over mother during night. Daytime I knew she would be around others that could help.

I haven’t met my mother in a couple of months, so I can’t say what it would be like meeting her again, but what I do know is that she was the only one I had after father died. I rarely talked to my friends at this point, almost never left mother‘s side.

I remember that the day we got the call from the hospital we decided to go into town. I met a friend of mine and she knew how tired and upset I was. She told me this:
“Totoro will come and save you”
We get home and I went to sleep. Mother woke me up later that evening and told me they called.

Mother had been sick for 30 years.
One year can’t make up for that but…

The one thing I miss the most when it comes to my father it’s to be able to pick up the phone and call him.
I can still call my mother. I can tell if she’s happy, excited, tired or worried.

One year can’t make up for what we’ve lost, but one year is a lot better than the few weeks she had left.
That we had left.

June the 25th last year my mother got a new liver from a donator in Norway.
Mother was dying and her only child was watching her only parent die.

I can’t explain how much this opportunity means for anyone of us.
Sure I still have problems and feelings that I haven’t dealt with, but that doesn’t mean I’m not grateful.

I can never thank God enough for giving mother a chance.
Mother can live the life she wants and deserves.

Thank you mom, for never giving up.
I remember how you said:
“You have lost your father, I won’t let you lose me too”.
I might be angry and sad with you, but you are my mother.
Thank you mom.
Thank you for being a hero.

Thank you God for giving us a chance.
Thank you for giving mom a chance.
Thank you for the sacrifices, the love, the hope and the faith.
Thank you.
Amen.

The pic is from my instagram, taken right before mother had to leave for the hospital.

Prayer.

Dear lord.
Please help me trust in you, please help me trust in your ways.
For there are so many things on my mind worrying and stressing me.
Help me to trust you, to put my life and my destiny in your safe hands.
Help me to find the meaning of this challenge, help me to find a way dealing with this challenge.
Because I am scared and I feel lonely.
So dear lord, please help me to work out all the problems on my mind. Big as small.
Please stand by your sons and daughters, during good and bad moments.
Keep us safe, direct us on our path.
For we need you to keep us safe, to make sure we are always loved.
For you give us hope, you lit a fire in our hearts, a fire burning of hope and love.
Thank you for our blessings and thank you for all challenges and lessons.
Thank you for giving us a chance.
Thank you for being good.
Amen.

I moved!

So I have moved now.
I now days live in a place called Öjebyn. Which is right outside of Piteå. And yes it’s on the north of Sweden, my hometown.

I have lived here for a week and things are looking up!
I have lost some weight, found a contact at the social service to help me with money. Next week I am going to meet a person from the social service to help me find a contact who can help me with certain things. Like follow me to the doctor if needed etc. And I am going to meet a person from the employment agency. But best of all! I got a time to see a doctor! Which is really needed, what ever this shit is it’s just getting worse.

So far I have been to the gym once and gone swimming twice. I also have met some of my friends and met a new friend, my roomie Nikolai. He is a laugh!
Me and my friend are also getting started with the music again and she thinks I got better aret playing but she also sees who anxious and insecure I have become, but she is pulling me out of my dark whole.
I have also set up everything in my room, played some drums and I set up a date for a partylite home party!

I have myself felt a difference, I feel like I am becoming myself again. I am breaking out of the chains keeping me down.

On the negative side.
The food is becoming a problem again and I am not eating enough according to my friends. I know the portions are getting smaller everyday and I fear I might hit down the road of an active eating disorder again. I know it never left, but not that I would be this close.

One more thing.
Me and my best friend are going try our best to go to prom together.

I am turing into my true self again, only this time I have God with me!

Hopefully I will be accepted to school and get some better contact with my family.

It really feels strange being here now that my dad is gone, every time I have lived here he’s been alive. Well now I have to face it as well.

It’s 10.33 pm and I am going to sleep, suprise!

LGBT.

You can’t choose your gender, your parents, the color of you skin or your eyes.

There are many things here in life we can controll. Life, love and death.
“You can’t choose who to fall in love with, but you can choose who you want to spend your life with”.

Life, love and death are things we can’t control even if we can make some active choices like where to study and where to live. We can’t choose not to get diabetes or cancer. We can’t choose when to fall in love or who fall in love with.
Then how can you ask how people choose to be gay? You don’t get to choose your sexuality, but you get to decide what to do with the gift you have been given.

My biggest pride is my sexuality and I am not alone feeling like this. It’s a gift, a blessing.

I read the news the other day where it said something about a lawyer for Cali wanting the right to execute homosexuals and anyone supporting LGBT.
At first it made me laugh, and so the time after that, and after that, and so on.

How can people think it’s so wrong being gay when they are ready to kill a person just because they are different than themselves? Isn’t there something wrong with them?
We are all people. We are all born and we all die. We are all human.

At least I am not an alien, I am a human as far as I know.  Last time I checked I was.

The LGBT community is NOT the biggest danger to our world. In fact it’s not dangerous at all. It’s about love, try a little love. It’s not going to kill you.

The biggest danger to our community in my opinion is fear, recklessness, stubbornness, self-righteous, selfishness and hate.

A little faith can’t hurt you.

And for those of you who are believers of God and his word.
How come divorce is okay when homosexuality is not?
Isn’t God supposed to be about love?

Stop believing that you are God.
Stop believing that you are always right.
Stop fearing what you can understand.

Homosexuals (or whatever your sexuality is) and the supporters of LGBT we are also human. We make mistakes and all of us are not good. Just like not every straight person is a good person.

Get down from your high horse and go and pray.

The long run.

I don’t want an easy way out, I don’t want a fast way out. I want to run the long run.

There are times when I am grateful over what I’ve got, but I need time to see that. When I had time to react, when I had time to think. Every blessing, every challenge. I am grateful for the long run.

When I play drums I get a huge anxiety taking over. It leaves me in tears, anger and frustration. I scream and I cry. I hate my self and think that I am never good enough, that I will never be the drummer I want to be. But when I play with my friends I feel comfortable and safe. When I dig myself down in a deep hole in the dark, the pull me out of it. When I get hyper and start dreaming and running around like a maniac the pull me down on earth. They believe in me, even if I don’t believe in myself. Even my friends who haven’t heard me play, they believe in me. And for me it makes it all worth it.

When I can’t write and I end up writing something that I am almost completely satisfied with I show it to my friends. Some of them understands what I write, others don’t. They don’t criticize me for my writing, they praise me for what they think is an amazing gift. They ask me if I wrote something new, they believe I can do it, and just as my drumming, they believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself. They make me feel like even if I don’t like my own work I can do something.

My blog, oh yes, my blog. I love writing here. Even if a lot of people don’t read it, or never will, I know that people read my blog and maybe my words make a difference for the ones who does. And that makes me continue, even if it’s not everyday.

I am grateful for what I have been trough, I get to learn and grow as a person. I might be able to make something with all of my experiences one day, and that inspires me a lot.

As humans we get impulses, but it’s worth waiting it out. It’s hard and even boring sometimes, but by waiting it out we keep ourselves for doing something drastic.

The doctors I meet want me to go trough a surgery that will make me loose weight, but I don’t want that. I won’t be proud over myself if I let them do that. I will miss out on experiences and people I might meet. I won’t get to feel the feeling of doing something so important, it is important to me to do it by myself. Because then I will know I put my heart into it and I made something out of it.
It’s hard. I used to want to die every time I saw myself in the mirror, I just wanted to kill myself at the spot I was standing. Already after this short time I feel a difference, I can see myself in my own reflection of the bathroom mirror and I see a change that I made happen, just by setting a goal and putting my heart and soul into it.

I don’t want the easy way out, no matter how hard things will be.
I’d never be a Green Day fan. I’d never learn how to play drums. I’d never learnt how to write. I’d never met the people I know today. I wouldn’t know what I do. I wouldn’t appreciate the little things, I wouldn’t have found God.
I wouldn’t be me and I wouldn’t inspire the people I do inspire.

Just by taking the long run I get to do all these things in my life. I get to learn new things and I get to do things I’d never thought I would. I wouldn’t have got to know all these good people.

Even if times are hard and you meet people that makes you feel like crap, it get’s better. You will feel better, you will learn who to deal with things you never thought you could. And most important, you will meet the people that you are supposed too.

The long run is worth it.
The long run will lead you to where you are supposed to be.
Have faith, have patience.
Because it’s all worth it in the end.

Suicide Awareness: I found help in God.

As I sit here with a scented candle lit and loud music in my headphones I feel how a difference God made in my life.

I am terrified, of the dark, my health, my future. Sometimes of myself and this world. There are times when I am scared that I will go back to my old ways of self harm. It’s scary.

I used to believe that I was a lonely person. That I had nothing to live for. I felt like I was drifting away in space. Like I was nothing. Even today I have very low thoughts about myself and what I can accomplish.

The big difference is that I made a choice.
I wanted a better life, for myself and for my frien
d and family. I made a choice that I would no longer be in the tight grip of depression.

My biggest strength is found in God, music and my writing, but with my low self-esteem I would get no where. In anything. I was just blaming myself, telling myself how worthless I was.

I decided that it was time for me to recover. I decided to get to know God and that I was no longer in any need of any medication.
I haven’t ate my antidepressant medicine in a long time.

I still have feelings. I get scared, angry, sad, frustrated. I still talk down on myself, but for everyday that goes I get a little bit closer to God. And everyday I feel a little bit more like myself again.

I pray when I get scared. I pray when I am going to play drums. I pray for my health. I pray for my friend and family. I pray for God to lead me on my way. I pray for God to keep me safe. I pray to God that my story can help someone else. I even pray for my blog and inspiration.
I don’t only pray but I talk to God. When I feel lonely or scared. When I get worried or sad. I talk to God and I pray.

For us in the 1st world it’s hard to believe in a bigger power than ourselves, and that’s a shame.
In the 3rd world almost everyone has faith, the difference is that they don’t know that they will live another day. They leave their destiny in the hands of God. Which is helpful and strengthening.

We will always have our problems. No matter what they are or why. Even when we leave them in God’s hand they exists to us, but when we share our fears and problems we are sure we never will carry them alone.

For me it feels safe. I know that God is watching over me, that he is listening and keeping me safe. I know that he is walking with me.

I grew up with Christianity and Satanism. I have tried a lot of different religions before I became an atheist. After that I found God.
There isn’t one religion that I felt more safe with than now. I am studying the adventist and their religion. And I feel safe and I feel good. I enjoy myself every time I go to church. No matter whether it’s for the biblestudies or the sabbaths.

I don’t feel alone anymore. I feel safe. I know that no matter what happens I have someone to watch over me and someone who’s guiding me.

Growing up for me was hell.
I was bullied, poor, abused, raped. I used sex, alcohol, drugs, self harm, food and crimes to keep myself up. And honestly it just broke me even more. Even if I couldn’t see it back then, but I can now.

I sit in my bed listening to my music and see that if I continue working on my relationship with God and working hard with myself and my interests I might be successful one day. I see that I have a future. As I said in a previous post I don’t think I am going to get old, butI believe I can make a difference now.

God, music, writing, animals, gaming, friends and family is now what defines me.

God helped me are you sure he can’t help you?

Update from Sweden.

So okay, mom and my stepfather is moving to Finland. They have said up the contract to the house, so by May the 31st this place needs to be empty.

I am not following them, I have my plans to study and I’m sticking to them. I have plans of going back to the north and my hometown Piteå and starting the studies there. So the social service and some other people around me are helping me trying to figure out where I can stay, be written and when I can start school. If I am lucky the have a spot for me so I can get starting as soon as possible. Now it’s just to find a place for me to stay and be written. The best would be if mom could help me with an apartment of my own.

Otherwise, I have checked some things and apparently this about my blood count, I have anemia. Great, I can actually understand why I got it, but not why the reason of the reason is, if you get it, cause I don’t!
Either way, I have sent in some papers and I hope that I get to see a doctor as soon as possible, either here or in PIteå.

Right now, I am just trying to trust in God, that he will take care of me no matter what, but it’s hard. I haven’t been religious for long and this is a big deal to me. I am scared and worried. I don’t know what’s going to happen.

I mean as a kid I always found ways to keep myself of the street, no one wants a kid to be homeless, not even here, believe it or not, but honestly. Who is going to want to have some 19 year old coming and living with them? And be written there? I doubt anyone is willing to.

Sorry for not posting so much here. I think it’s easy to understand that I have other priorities right now.

Is it a sin?

I don’t believe homosexuality is a sin.
God is about love, and love goes all ways!
Man + Man = Love.
Woman + Woman = Love.
Woman + Man = Love.

I am not heterosexual, I am bisexual, but I believe in God.
Many do actually believe that homosexuality is a sin, but please rethink.
What is god about? What is homosexuality about?
LOVE!

Why isn’t it a sin being heterosexual?
Why isn’t it a sin loving someone of the opposite sex?

That it’s not meant to be doesn’t work on me,
why would it happen if it was against god and his message of love?
Honestly I’d like to know, please tell me.

Dear god…

It’s Tuesday and like every week I have been at church, studying the bible.

I believe in God. And I am studying his word.
It’s a chocie I have made without force.

Before this I have been into Buddism and Satanism. All by my own choice.

I needed something to believe in and after my mother got better I took an active choice.

Since I found God I haven’t felt as lonely as I did before. It saved me. I have someone everday, all day to share everything with.

I am not going to throw my religion at you.
And I ask you not to throw yours on me.

This is just something I wanted to share.
This is important for me. Just as the blog and every other of my intrests.

I pray, I try my best.
I am NOT better OR worse than anyone else. The same goes for you. We are all created equal.