Update

When I spoke with my mom a couple days ago she explain the fear she and my stepdad had. The fear of getting the call that this time I wouldn’t survive. I also read a paper my doctor wrote about my condition and MANY suicide attempts, he counted least a hundred. It also said that writing me out of the psychiatric care would be a huge risk for my life.

This made me this of what I truly put my friends and family through.

This is something I’m a shamed of and that I deeply regret, but I took an overdose trying to kill myself in front off my two best friends last year. I wish I could take it back, redo that night. We fought and wrestled because off the pills, I was affected by them, high. Which one of my friend noticed. We are still friends and thank god for them, that I still have them in my life. If you are reading this I’m truly sorry. 

I’ve realized that dying isn’t the only thing that will make people stop worrying about me, but I also know that worry is always going to be there even if I recover.

I’m doing better, still thinking about killing myself and sometimes it takes all of me trying not to kill myself. Not hurting myself though.

I’m still under forensic psychiatric care and my doctor is talking about 6 more months here. On Wednesday we are having a meeting about my LPT (law on compulsory) to see if they will extend my LPT.

Right now we are waiting for my autism investigation (don’t know if that’s the right word). After that we are going to have a treatment conference on what’s going to happen during the coming 6 months and what’s going to happen after. Right now it’s alot of questions.

Earthquake.

So.
In North Sweden, where I live we had an earthquake the other day.

Update on how I’m doing.
Not well. Hospitalized. On supervision 24/7. Cutting myself. Suicidal.

Want to go home only to hurt and kill myself.

Crash

“Hold me now ’cause I couldn’t even if I tried
It’s over now I guess it really is my time
I don’t wanna go but it’s time I gotta say goodbye
So hold me now ’cause this will be our last time
I’m slowing down and I don’t think that I can fight
I know somehow that you will find a way to live your life
Remember just to live everyday like it’s your last
Hold me now ’cause I think it’s time for me to pass

I don’t wanna die I don’t know why this kinda faith was meant for me
You gotta be strong gotta move on it’s not how it was supposed to be
What do I say it was never supposed to end up this way
What do I have to do was supposed to grow old with you
That ain’t gonna happen no that ain’t gonna happen

Hold me now ’cause the time I’ve got is running out
No tears allowed even though we become without
I just wanna feel your head laying on my chest
So hold me now as I take my last breath

I don’t wanna die I don’t know why this kinda faith was meant for me
You gotta be strong gotta move on it’s not how it was supposed to be
What do I say it was never supposed to end up this way
What do I have to do was supposed to grow old with you
That ain’t gonna happen no that ain’t gonna happen”
Crash – Sum 41

This is one of my favorite songs. It explains the feeling of dying, a feeling I live with everyday and I know that if I didn’t feel this way everything would be different.
I feel like I’m dying, like my time is running out. I’m too tired to fight it, because I’ve seen the comfort of dying. I’ve seen the tunnel, I’ve felt my body disappear, I’ve felt that final peace, that final hope, that final rest, that final calm. It’s the best thing I’ve ever felt.
And this feeling like I’m dying together with the black pit in my stomach sucking me dry from all hope, dream, motivation and inspiration… it doesn’t leave me much joy. My joy is to know that this will all be over one day.
I can’t feel happiness, excitement etc. for anything in life, all I feel is this sorrow, anger. I know how to smile, but I can never feel it. I   lost all feelings for my friends and family. I know that I care and would do anything for them but I can’t feel it.
I started out to only push anxiety, panic, worry, sorrow and rage away, but now I can’t feel anything except this longing to die, for it all to be over. I push it all away, ’cause it used to be the only way I could keep myself alive. The feeling of dying took over, it’s who I am, who I’ve been. It’s me and it’s my story.

If you think fighting for me, fighting to keep me alive would help… then go ahead, but I don’t want to try anymore. So if you get into this fight then you better win or lose fighting. Because I can’t do that. I can’t see what you see. All I can see is an ending, my ending, my way, my goodbye. So you fight little solider, but keep me the hell put of it.
Thank you.

To bullied and bullies.

Forgive and forget right?
No that’s not quite how it work.

Words hurt, they make wounds that becomes scars for a lifetime. For both the bullied and the bully.

But something happened to me yesterday and I want to share it with all bullied and bullies.

Here we go:
Right now I’m hospitalized because I’m suicidal, and such a risk to myself. So as you know there is always personell on a hospital no matter what ward, but here’s the thing, one of the evening personell was my old bully.

As soon as I saw the side of his face my stomach felt like it was going to turn inside out. He turned around and looked at me and asked me if there was something I needed. I said no and sat down in the corner of the couch I didn’t care of that he sat right next to me. He started talking to me and then he figured out it was me. He asked if I changed my name and I told him I did. Later that evening we had a talk before 7.30 coffee, we continued our talk over the coffee and it was no big deal. Two adults talking.

I thought about this a lot before bedtime yesterday and a wrote.

This is what I wrote:
I remember you.
All the things you said.
All the things you did.
You weren’t alone, no.
There were many of you.
Who broke me down,
because I was different.
With hell at home,
and hell at school.
You slowly killed a part of me,
your words and actions still hurt.
But I don’t blame you,
I don’t blame any of you.
I hope you know what you did was wrong,
I hope you learned.
Because life is a gift,
so sensitive and sweet,
That can easily be destroyed.
I don’t hold a grudge
The only thing I hope for is:
that you learned your lesson
That you will never go that way again.
That your kids won’t  go the same path
A such a hazard to myself,
I hope you know what you truly did.

But you what? This man who used to be mean is today sweet, kind and caring today. He’s understanding and mature. He grew and he learnt his lesson.

So lesson time.

You never know what’s going to happen, to who it’s going to happen.
You don’t know what a person is feeling or going through.
So be nice. ALWAYS.

Suicide Awareness: I found help in God.

As I sit here with a scented candle lit and loud music in my headphones I feel how a difference God made in my life.

I am terrified, of the dark, my health, my future. Sometimes of myself and this world. There are times when I am scared that I will go back to my old ways of self harm. It’s scary.

I used to believe that I was a lonely person. That I had nothing to live for. I felt like I was drifting away in space. Like I was nothing. Even today I have very low thoughts about myself and what I can accomplish.

The big difference is that I made a choice.
I wanted a better life, for myself and for my frien
d and family. I made a choice that I would no longer be in the tight grip of depression.

My biggest strength is found in God, music and my writing, but with my low self-esteem I would get no where. In anything. I was just blaming myself, telling myself how worthless I was.

I decided that it was time for me to recover. I decided to get to know God and that I was no longer in any need of any medication.
I haven’t ate my antidepressant medicine in a long time.

I still have feelings. I get scared, angry, sad, frustrated. I still talk down on myself, but for everyday that goes I get a little bit closer to God. And everyday I feel a little bit more like myself again.

I pray when I get scared. I pray when I am going to play drums. I pray for my health. I pray for my friend and family. I pray for God to lead me on my way. I pray for God to keep me safe. I pray to God that my story can help someone else. I even pray for my blog and inspiration.
I don’t only pray but I talk to God. When I feel lonely or scared. When I get worried or sad. I talk to God and I pray.

For us in the 1st world it’s hard to believe in a bigger power than ourselves, and that’s a shame.
In the 3rd world almost everyone has faith, the difference is that they don’t know that they will live another day. They leave their destiny in the hands of God. Which is helpful and strengthening.

We will always have our problems. No matter what they are or why. Even when we leave them in God’s hand they exists to us, but when we share our fears and problems we are sure we never will carry them alone.

For me it feels safe. I know that God is watching over me, that he is listening and keeping me safe. I know that he is walking with me.

I grew up with Christianity and Satanism. I have tried a lot of different religions before I became an atheist. After that I found God.
There isn’t one religion that I felt more safe with than now. I am studying the adventist and their religion. And I feel safe and I feel good. I enjoy myself every time I go to church. No matter whether it’s for the biblestudies or the sabbaths.

I don’t feel alone anymore. I feel safe. I know that no matter what happens I have someone to watch over me and someone who’s guiding me.

Growing up for me was hell.
I was bullied, poor, abused, raped. I used sex, alcohol, drugs, self harm, food and crimes to keep myself up. And honestly it just broke me even more. Even if I couldn’t see it back then, but I can now.

I sit in my bed listening to my music and see that if I continue working on my relationship with God and working hard with myself and my interests I might be successful one day. I see that I have a future. As I said in a previous post I don’t think I am going to get old, butI believe I can make a difference now.

God, music, writing, animals, gaming, friends and family is now what defines me.

God helped me are you sure he can’t help you?

Suicide Awareness: Apps & Links

Apps, all found on Google play:
*Dbt112 – annadroid, Swedish & Free
*DBT självhjälp – Cognitus psykoterapi & utveckling, Swedish & 50 SEK.
*Self-help Anxiety Management-University of the West of England, English & Free
*Mindfulness – H. Mason Hedberg, MD, English & Free
*Biblical Self Help – Tunglabs, English, Spanish & Free
__________
Websites, all in English:
*www.helpguide.org
*www.metanoia.org/Suicide
*www.mhs.uk/conditions/suicide
*www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
__________
If you don’t find any of these apps or websites helpful just look online and in your app store for something that is more helpful to you.

I use Dbt112 myself, but it’s in Swedish, but really helpful for me.

Suicidal Awareness: Self harm.

*Now let’s get something clear. Just because a person is self harming DOESN’T mean they are suicidal*

However. Self harm can lead to death.

There are many ways to self harm cutting is only one of them. I will not put any list on self harm because it might give ideas.
However, it’s common to cut, self medicate and to use food and exercise.

Self harm is a big area and can take away lives. For a person who is suicidal doesn’t have the same line, self harm can easily become a way for a suicide attempt. The time of how long it takes can be between minutes and years.
What I did was to chose something that would take years. As a way to hurt myself and simply ruin myself, but it also gave me a chance to make up my mind.
Eventually I stopped. I tried to take my own life and I hurt myself everyday. Until I one day overdosed. The doctor told me what it can do to my body and I took the desicion not trying to take my own life again. I didn’t want to risk my own health if it wouldn’t kill me instantly.

I haven’t self harmed in a couple of months and it’s getting hard to stay away.
Some scars are visible for others and some are actually on the inside, it’s not a metaphor. The damage isn’t visible for the eyes, but can be found with an MRI.
I can never take it away, I can never make it right again, and honestly I don’t know if I want to, they have thought me valueble lessons. That I one day hope to share.

It’s important to look out after someone who does self harm. If you can’t do much yourself contact a teacher or a co-worker. If you don’t work or study there are websites online and phone numbers you can call when worried, both about yourself and someone else. In the country you live in and some other country.

Help and support the person in need. If you are the one in need there are ways. Some people do understand. There are support groups on Facebook, and lot of help online over all.

*Names of support apps will come in the next post about suicidal awareness.*
If there is anything you want me to have in these post let me know. Somethings return in most of these posts.

You opinion is welcome. Just act nice.

Suicidal awareness.

I am that girl who will pass you unnoticed. I walk with my scars, memories, trauma, and you will never know. We are many who suffers from depression, anxiety and trauma. Still we get judged, bullied and pushed down by ourselves and others. We all have something that is hard for us, still we don’t understand and we judge each other.

Have you been suicidal? Or do you know someone who have been or is suicidal?

I have been there and so have many of my friends. I can tell you that it’s hell. Many people around doesn’t understand, they laugh at you and call you “Emo”. You get to hear how it’s you who is the problem and how it’s all up to you to fix it again. That ain’t the way to go.

For someone who is suicidal, make sure you have someone to talk to, no matter if you want to talk about the problems or not. It’s good not to be alone, no matter how much you want to. It’s easy to get lost in music and it can be something good. Just be careful so it doesn’t become negative. It’s  just not music, it’s about everything. Do things that makes you feel safe, comfortable and a bit less depressed.

If you know someone who is suicidal it’s important to listen, you don’t need to say something, just having someone around who listens is golden. I loved it when people just sat next to me all quiet and calm, it might not sound like much but it can be what the person needs. Make sure you validate the person and make sure they have people to talk with, maybe a therapist or a doctor. Even if the person in question doesn’t want to do anything  it’s  good for them to do something. It doesn’t need to be hours at the gym, it can be just to have some coffee or tea.

There are signs to look out for.
– Changed behavior.
– Self harm.
– The person don’t eat or sleep like they used too.
– The person might talk about death and different subjects that isn’t something “normal”.
– They might start to spend time alone and avoiding all kind of contact with others.
– They might start drinking and/or using different kind of drugs.
*All of this is different from person to person*

What to do if you can’t do anything yourself:
– Get them a number to a doctor.
– Listen.
– Find support groups online.
– Support them. No matter what.

We need to raise awareness about suicide and depression. I will start telling some stories about my struggle and some of my friends. Tips and tricks what to do will also come.
This is important.