To my mother, a hero in my story.

A year ago my mother was dying.
My mother, my stepfather still had hope.
But I was getting ready to say my goodbye, to enjoy the little time we had left.

This time last year was hard.
For the entire family.

Most nights I spent sleepless, so I could watch over mother during night. Daytime I knew she would be around others that could help.

I haven’t met my mother in a couple of months, so I can’t say what it would be like meeting her again, but what I do know is that she was the only one I had after father died. I rarely talked to my friends at this point, almost never left mother‘s side.

I remember that the day we got the call from the hospital we decided to go into town. I met a friend of mine and she knew how tired and upset I was. She told me this:
“Totoro will come and save you”
We get home and I went to sleep. Mother woke me up later that evening and told me they called.

Mother had been sick for 30 years.
One year can’t make up for that but…

The one thing I miss the most when it comes to my father it’s to be able to pick up the phone and call him.
I can still call my mother. I can tell if she’s happy, excited, tired or worried.

One year can’t make up for what we’ve lost, but one year is a lot better than the few weeks she had left.
That we had left.

June the 25th last year my mother got a new liver from a donator in Norway.
Mother was dying and her only child was watching her only parent die.

I can’t explain how much this opportunity means for anyone of us.
Sure I still have problems and feelings that I haven’t dealt with, but that doesn’t mean I’m not grateful.

I can never thank God enough for giving mother a chance.
Mother can live the life she wants and deserves.

Thank you mom, for never giving up.
I remember how you said:
“You have lost your father, I won’t let you lose me too”.
I might be angry and sad with you, but you are my mother.
Thank you mom.
Thank you for being a hero.

Thank you God for giving us a chance.
Thank you for giving mom a chance.
Thank you for the sacrifices, the love, the hope and the faith.
Thank you.
Amen.

The pic is from my instagram, taken right before mother had to leave for the hospital.

The long run.

I don’t want an easy way out, I don’t want a fast way out. I want to run the long run.

There are times when I am grateful over what I’ve got, but I need time to see that. When I had time to react, when I had time to think. Every blessing, every challenge. I am grateful for the long run.

When I play drums I get a huge anxiety taking over. It leaves me in tears, anger and frustration. I scream and I cry. I hate my self and think that I am never good enough, that I will never be the drummer I want to be. But when I play with my friends I feel comfortable and safe. When I dig myself down in a deep hole in the dark, the pull me out of it. When I get hyper and start dreaming and running around like a maniac the pull me down on earth. They believe in me, even if I don’t believe in myself. Even my friends who haven’t heard me play, they believe in me. And for me it makes it all worth it.

When I can’t write and I end up writing something that I am almost completely satisfied with I show it to my friends. Some of them understands what I write, others don’t. They don’t criticize me for my writing, they praise me for what they think is an amazing gift. They ask me if I wrote something new, they believe I can do it, and just as my drumming, they believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself. They make me feel like even if I don’t like my own work I can do something.

My blog, oh yes, my blog. I love writing here. Even if a lot of people don’t read it, or never will, I know that people read my blog and maybe my words make a difference for the ones who does. And that makes me continue, even if it’s not everyday.

I am grateful for what I have been trough, I get to learn and grow as a person. I might be able to make something with all of my experiences one day, and that inspires me a lot.

As humans we get impulses, but it’s worth waiting it out. It’s hard and even boring sometimes, but by waiting it out we keep ourselves for doing something drastic.

The doctors I meet want me to go trough a surgery that will make me loose weight, but I don’t want that. I won’t be proud over myself if I let them do that. I will miss out on experiences and people I might meet. I won’t get to feel the feeling of doing something so important, it is important to me to do it by myself. Because then I will know I put my heart into it and I made something out of it.
It’s hard. I used to want to die every time I saw myself in the mirror, I just wanted to kill myself at the spot I was standing. Already after this short time I feel a difference, I can see myself in my own reflection of the bathroom mirror and I see a change that I made happen, just by setting a goal and putting my heart and soul into it.

I don’t want the easy way out, no matter how hard things will be.
I’d never be a Green Day fan. I’d never learn how to play drums. I’d never learnt how to write. I’d never met the people I know today. I wouldn’t know what I do. I wouldn’t appreciate the little things, I wouldn’t have found God.
I wouldn’t be me and I wouldn’t inspire the people I do inspire.

Just by taking the long run I get to do all these things in my life. I get to learn new things and I get to do things I’d never thought I would. I wouldn’t have got to know all these good people.

Even if times are hard and you meet people that makes you feel like crap, it get’s better. You will feel better, you will learn who to deal with things you never thought you could. And most important, you will meet the people that you are supposed too.

The long run is worth it.
The long run will lead you to where you are supposed to be.
Have faith, have patience.
Because it’s all worth it in the end.