It’s my fault.

In all my life I have been told it’s my fault. No matter if it’s been about money, health, in fights and for me being alive.

Everything has always been my fault. And everyday I have to tell myself that it’s not all my fault. That others are a part of it as well.

Every time someone says to me that it’s my fault I hear my own voice of reason.
I start thinking without judging and trying to face the problem without getting worked up about my emotions.

But every time my mother tells me that it’s my fault that our economy looks the way it does, I break down. It tears me apart. It spits on my voice of reason.
I get sad and angry for my mother telling me something like that. I can’t deal with it.

My voice of reason says we are all a part of the problem. None of us makes it better.
I want to tell my mother that she is a part of it too and that it’s not fair for me to take all the blame.

She’s my mom. I tell myself after every fight about our economy that she is right. She should be right. I tell myself that it’s all my fault, but…

I don’t believe her.
In my heart and in my mind I can see clearly how we all are a part of the problem. I can see that it’s just not on me.

My first mistake was to drop out of school.
The other were the fact that I have been depressed and so anxious so I couldn’t handle things that were asked of me.
Now I can’t ask the social service to help us with money when I can’t even ask for medical help.

I am scared and I believe I don’t deserve the help I can get. Money or medical help.

Bury the lies.

Did you know that most of the “headlines” are from different songs and albums?

Bury the lies is an album from a Swedish band called Takida.
Run, run away. Run, run along is from Takida’s song Swallow.
Dear God, a song by Avenged Sevenfold.
Gypsy Heart, an album by Colbie Caillat.
Rain, a song by Mika.
This is me, a part of Bryan Adams song Here I am.

Most of my life is inspired by music, but I can’t write if it isn’t personal to me.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a poem, a song, a story or here at my blog, I can’t write if I can’t feel it, and in order for me to feel it… It needs to mean something to me, it needs to be personal.
If there is something I want to write about and that I can’t I need to make it personal. I need to make myself feel it, which is not a problem, considering.

I care about people around me. I may say things and do things that I don’t mean, that might hurt, but it doesn’t happen because I want to harm anyone, it happens because I want the best, and there might be a misunderstanding or I just simply let my feelings get in the way so they take control.

I never forget some of all the bad things that have happened because of me and a stupid mistake, or a stupid fight, and I NEVER forgive myself for it.
I believe that in a fight, everyone that’s is involved is equal to blame. No matter who said what and who did what. If you feed the rage instead of ignoring it you are involved and you haven’t made the situation better.
We might not always understand what other’s are trying to do, or say. We might never understand why people act the way they do, and we might never know the truth.
We might think that people have done things that they actually haven’t, and we might never get to realize that we were wrong about them.
In a fight between two people no one stands alone behind the problem. A relationship is always between two people, no matter if you are a group of five, and when something happens, we humans are experts at getting involved where we don’t belong. Which causes even more misunderstanding and the situation often get out of control.

I have said things, I have done things that hurt. Words and actions I don’t mean.
But because I have not been able to leave and more people got involved it often got out of hand.

I am not taking the blame for these things anymore.
Things I haven’t done, but people are so sure I have, it’s their problem not mine.
I told them the truth and they didn’t believe me.
I have apologized for what I have said and for what I haven’t.
I have apologized for what I done and for what I haven’t.

I am not the person to blame, and if you feel like blaming someone, have you wonder why it ever happened to you? Have you looked at what you said and what you done?
If it’s something I said or did, have you thought about what you put me through? 

I am not taking the blame anymore.
I am a person so beat down because of people’s words and actions.
I am trough, I am done with this.
It’s time for me to gain self-confidence, it’s time for me to become a person.
I will have to find a way for my past, and all this insecurity and self-blame, I will find a way for me to become the person I want to be. It’s time for me to be who I was meant to be.

It’s time to bury the lies, it’s time to move on.

All the feelings.

I generally don’t like to write when I am upset, but right now I can’t make head or tails about my feelings.Yet alone what to do about it.

We have had a huge argument tonight at home. It started about 23.50 I believe and now it’s around 2 am.
My mother broke my heart saying I don’t understand how sick she’s truly been, just because I haven’t been at home all the time, but instead in foster-care.
I SAVED MY MOTHER’S LIVE.
Even when I wasn’t at home.
I want so much of my mother, she is on a pedestal in my eyes, amazing, strong, independent. She is an inspiration to me. But I want things of her that she can’t give.

I really love my mother, and I put so much of my own life away to save hers. I have done all that I can to make sure she would live another day. I did it all because of love, and I honestly don’t know what to do without her.
It’s clear to me that she doesn’t understand how much I have really done, she even told me tonight that she had no idea.
My stepfather actually helped me, he defended me against my mother and told her what I actually have done for her.
I always get to hear from her friends, from people that are supposed to help me and my mother herself how bad I make her feel, and that she is tired and needs a break away from me. How much I ruin for her, and how much I take for her.

Sure, I take, but I gave all I could as well.
I gave myself away, because without her I’d be lost.
She is my only family together with my grandmother, when father died I had nothing, but her. My grandmother lost herself at that point and I fell into depression.
I love my mother more than I love myself.
And If I’d have to do it again, I would without a doubt.
I gave my mother all the time I had, she is always on my mind. I am always worried about her, I don’t want to leave her alone, because I don’t know if she will survive.

I took care of her as a child and at that time I saved her life for the first time, and since then I can’t let her go, I just want to take care of her and protect her.
But I want to be taken care of, I want her to protect me.
I don’t want her to take my fights, I want her support. I want her to stand by my side and hold my hand when I need her to.
I feel so alone, I don’t know what to do.
I have taken care of her for so long and now I just want her to do the same for me.

It’s wrong of me to feel this way, I know it’s all my fault.
But I dream of the day she will just hug me so I just can cry and let it all out.
I know it’s all my fault, I know I am the reason why she feels this way.
I know I am a failure, and I take all of her time. I know I shouldn’t care anything about myself, I know that I should continue taking care of her. I know that she’s done her best, I know she’s done what she could. I know I should feel guilty. I know I should take the blame. I know I should take the fall. I know I am an awful person that doesn’t deserve to live. I don’t deserve to be happy. I know that all I do is wrong.
But I still feel like it’s not all my fault.

I wanted to play drums, with friends. Start a band, playing at school and in a junk-filled garage. I wanted to make music, but today… I can’t play, because I feel like I suck and it’s not the same to play alone.

The doctors took a lot of test of my blood and found nothing. I don’t know what it could be making me feel this way. The stress causes another type of pain, in another place. Nothing of what I feel now I felt before when I have been stressed or upset.
Even now as I write I feel something else, because of the mental pain.
It’s not the same.
Coming my way, doctors, hospitals, more investigation.

I feel lost. All these feelings.
I am a misfit, a failure. A nobody. A no one. Nothing.
I am not who I used to be.

I saw the stars every night. And now I don’t know who I am, all these feelings I can’t deal with. I am so far away from myself and I have so much to work with.
Right now I see no stars.
Only broken dreams.

I know my new year’s resolutions:
(NOT IN ORDER)
1. Lose weight.
2. Start studying.
3. Play more drums.
4. Make friends.
5. Try starting a band.
6. Working with my mental health.
7. Working on my mother’s and my relationship.
8. Go back home.
9. Visit my friends.
10. Visit my grandmother.
11. Visit my father’s grave.
12. Trying to make up with my family.
13. Become my own friend, not enemy.
14. Create memories to remember, good ones.
15. Become a better christian.
16. Get my love.

I want to see the stars again, I want to become myself again.
The fun, honest, naive, adventurous, trusting, loyal person I once was.
I really grieve my father right now to, y’know Christmas?