So how’s my mother?

Everyone always asks me how my mother is doing.
I never get the question how I am doing.

I never got to talk to a doctor about mother’s disease or the transplant.
I never got to talk about my feelings or ask my questions.
Mother never left my mind and I was worried sick about her, but as soon as she got worried about me I got hell for it.
I saved my mother’s life repeatedly and I never got as much as a “Thank you” for it.
I have been told, by my mother herself, that I have no clue about her being sick, while I lost myself trying to take care of here and making sure I always could be there for when she needed me.
I thought after mom got better, that she would show that she was my mother, that she would take care of me like I needed.
I thought mother and I could work on our relationship after she got better, but turns out she had other plans.

I can’t stop wondering who died because she got to live?
I can’t stop wondering why just she got the transplant?
I can’t stop wondering who didn’t get a new organ because of her?
Was it a kid? Or someone destined for greatness?

Ask me how I am doing.
People didn’t spend a thought asking if I needed to talk. Or if I needed someone to support me during this. I had to stand by the side and take so much shit. I was and still am alone with my feelings about this.
Because no one cared to ask me.

My life changed too. So why don’t people ask me how I’m doing? So why don’t I get to talk about it? My life changed too!

Why didn’t I get help? I needed it too. Is it because I’m her child? Why? Why am I so different? Why am I less important?
So who is going to be there for me? No one. No one has and I doubt that anyone will.

I took care of my mother. I lost myself in the process. I worried myself sick.
But as soon as she worried about me I got told how much I was in the way. How I ruined things for her. That I took so much from her. Sometimes she even told me this herself and sometimes form people who were supposed to help me.

I lost my father.
I saw my mother dying.
Where the fuck is my hug?
I have seen my mother sick for 18 years.
I took care of  my own mother.
Where the fuck is my thank you?
I took less than what I needed.
I got sick for her sake.
I didn’t care about going to the doctor when I felt bad myself, I was too busy looking after her.

All the time spent on the hospital. Mother in a coma, completely unaware of what’s going on.
How dare she say I don’t know?
All the time spent next to her. Making sure she was okay, not knowing what pain I was in.
How dare she say I don’t understand.
All the time spent alone, worrying. I did all I could, I saved her life.
How dare YOU talking down on me being a bad person and a bad daughter?
I did more than what was I was supposed to do, why because she is my mother.
I put my life on hold, for her sake.
I didn’t complain when they left for the doctor without me, even though I needed to follow.
I didn’t say how I felt, because it would worry her, take her time and energy.

So really how’s my mother?

All the feelings.

I generally don’t like to write when I am upset, but right now I can’t make head or tails about my feelings.Yet alone what to do about it.

We have had a huge argument tonight at home. It started about 23.50 I believe and now it’s around 2 am.
My mother broke my heart saying I don’t understand how sick she’s truly been, just because I haven’t been at home all the time, but instead in foster-care.
I SAVED MY MOTHER’S LIVE.
Even when I wasn’t at home.
I want so much of my mother, she is on a pedestal in my eyes, amazing, strong, independent. She is an inspiration to me. But I want things of her that she can’t give.

I really love my mother, and I put so much of my own life away to save hers. I have done all that I can to make sure she would live another day. I did it all because of love, and I honestly don’t know what to do without her.
It’s clear to me that she doesn’t understand how much I have really done, she even told me tonight that she had no idea.
My stepfather actually helped me, he defended me against my mother and told her what I actually have done for her.
I always get to hear from her friends, from people that are supposed to help me and my mother herself how bad I make her feel, and that she is tired and needs a break away from me. How much I ruin for her, and how much I take for her.

Sure, I take, but I gave all I could as well.
I gave myself away, because without her I’d be lost.
She is my only family together with my grandmother, when father died I had nothing, but her. My grandmother lost herself at that point and I fell into depression.
I love my mother more than I love myself.
And If I’d have to do it again, I would without a doubt.
I gave my mother all the time I had, she is always on my mind. I am always worried about her, I don’t want to leave her alone, because I don’t know if she will survive.

I took care of her as a child and at that time I saved her life for the first time, and since then I can’t let her go, I just want to take care of her and protect her.
But I want to be taken care of, I want her to protect me.
I don’t want her to take my fights, I want her support. I want her to stand by my side and hold my hand when I need her to.
I feel so alone, I don’t know what to do.
I have taken care of her for so long and now I just want her to do the same for me.

It’s wrong of me to feel this way, I know it’s all my fault.
But I dream of the day she will just hug me so I just can cry and let it all out.
I know it’s all my fault, I know I am the reason why she feels this way.
I know I am a failure, and I take all of her time. I know I shouldn’t care anything about myself, I know that I should continue taking care of her. I know that she’s done her best, I know she’s done what she could. I know I should feel guilty. I know I should take the blame. I know I should take the fall. I know I am an awful person that doesn’t deserve to live. I don’t deserve to be happy. I know that all I do is wrong.
But I still feel like it’s not all my fault.

I wanted to play drums, with friends. Start a band, playing at school and in a junk-filled garage. I wanted to make music, but today… I can’t play, because I feel like I suck and it’s not the same to play alone.

The doctors took a lot of test of my blood and found nothing. I don’t know what it could be making me feel this way. The stress causes another type of pain, in another place. Nothing of what I feel now I felt before when I have been stressed or upset.
Even now as I write I feel something else, because of the mental pain.
It’s not the same.
Coming my way, doctors, hospitals, more investigation.

I feel lost. All these feelings.
I am a misfit, a failure. A nobody. A no one. Nothing.
I am not who I used to be.

I saw the stars every night. And now I don’t know who I am, all these feelings I can’t deal with. I am so far away from myself and I have so much to work with.
Right now I see no stars.
Only broken dreams.

I know my new year’s resolutions:
(NOT IN ORDER)
1. Lose weight.
2. Start studying.
3. Play more drums.
4. Make friends.
5. Try starting a band.
6. Working with my mental health.
7. Working on my mother’s and my relationship.
8. Go back home.
9. Visit my friends.
10. Visit my grandmother.
11. Visit my father’s grave.
12. Trying to make up with my family.
13. Become my own friend, not enemy.
14. Create memories to remember, good ones.
15. Become a better christian.
16. Get my love.

I want to see the stars again, I want to become myself again.
The fun, honest, naive, adventurous, trusting, loyal person I once was.
I really grieve my father right now to, y’know Christmas?