I moved!

So I have moved now.
I now days live in a place called Öjebyn. Which is right outside of Piteå. And yes it’s on the north of Sweden, my hometown.

I have lived here for a week and things are looking up!
I have lost some weight, found a contact at the social service to help me with money. Next week I am going to meet a person from the social service to help me find a contact who can help me with certain things. Like follow me to the doctor if needed etc. And I am going to meet a person from the employment agency. But best of all! I got a time to see a doctor! Which is really needed, what ever this shit is it’s just getting worse.

So far I have been to the gym once and gone swimming twice. I also have met some of my friends and met a new friend, my roomie Nikolai. He is a laugh!
Me and my friend are also getting started with the music again and she thinks I got better aret playing but she also sees who anxious and insecure I have become, but she is pulling me out of my dark whole.
I have also set up everything in my room, played some drums and I set up a date for a partylite home party!

I have myself felt a difference, I feel like I am becoming myself again. I am breaking out of the chains keeping me down.

On the negative side.
The food is becoming a problem again and I am not eating enough according to my friends. I know the portions are getting smaller everyday and I fear I might hit down the road of an active eating disorder again. I know it never left, but not that I would be this close.

One more thing.
Me and my best friend are going try our best to go to prom together.

I am turing into my true self again, only this time I have God with me!

Hopefully I will be accepted to school and get some better contact with my family.

It really feels strange being here now that my dad is gone, every time I have lived here he’s been alive. Well now I have to face it as well.

It’s 10.33 pm and I am going to sleep, suprise!

I might be alone, but why do you think I am actually alone?

Somehow when you are on your own having lunch or drinking coffee people think that you are alone. I might be on my own, but I am not alone. I chose to have lunch here, I chose to eat lunch alone. Does it matter how I look?

I always see people and without a doubt I believe that they are judging me. That people are avoiding me, that people hate me. I need to remind myself everyday that I am not as bad as I see myself. I can’t be friends with everyone, everyone can’t love me. Things happen. Misunderstandings, disagreement. Our life is a unique story.

I am different than you, but do I have to be miserable just because I am not you? Just because I am not the way you want me too.

I am not sad to sit here alone. I am happy, I am strong enough to do it, no matter my anxieties. I am not scared. I feel brave, I am not shaking because of that people are looking at me. I am here alone. I just had lunch and now I am spending time and drinking coffee before I am taking the bus home to my dogs.

I have good music waiting for me, my two lovely dogs and a calm walk in the winter cold. I can write, I can play drums or games. I can even sleep if I want to. I can train, I can study, I can clean the house. It’s up to me now. My life belongs to me.

Updates from Sweden!

Well, I have both good and bad news. Let’s start with the bad.

I spent last weekend on the ER. The 16th, 17th and 18th. Doctor’s still don’t know what’s wrong with me. Now they are talking about that it’s my muscles. I am lacking iron and vitamin D. One of the doctor’s started talking with me about cancer, considering I am in such huge risk, so they are going to start taking cell samples and keeping me under checkup.

I got a job offer. That I accepted. My theraphy is soon over. I am working hard trying to get into school and be able to go to Collage. And today I have played drums and fixed the drumming for a song. I ordered a new phone that will be here some time soon.

I really want to go to College and I qm so worried about the money and everything. I need to relax and take one step at the time. I need to pass the SAT’s and the TOEFL, I need to fix my grades from High School, so even more studies. I am still not sure about what to read, but music or writing. That’s how far I got. I am also trying to write something that I can send with my application.

I am totally on the way to fix my life. I just want to do everything today.

Music.

I am having a moment when I sit and listen to music with tears in my eyes. With a feeling of that I am missing someone, and I do.
My father.

Me and my father’s relationship wasn’t good at all, but we had something that we shared. Music. I swear I have NEVER seen my father so proud of me as he was when I sat behind the drums playing in front of an audience.

I’d really need him to tell me not to give up on music right now. He truly knew how to make me believe in myself. He knew what to say to make me believe I had a chance to be successful in music.

Me and my mother can sit and listen to music, but we don’t share the music like me and my father actually did.

I love and miss my father, I truly do. It’s just complicated. I am angry and sad with him. I wish things would have been different, but we somehow gave up. Our relationship didn’t seem to get any better. Maybe he felt guilt for what he did to me or for what he put me trough, but I am ashamed for what happened. I can’t forgive myself leaving when he was sick. I just couldn’t believe he would die. In my eyes he was strong, a fighter. The fact tjat he’d die didn’t excist in my world.

This summer it’s four years ago that he died. I will never forget the day my mother told me he passed. I will never forget the furneral.
He was supposed to turn 45 only a month later, next year he would habe turned 50. What would that have been like? What would my life look like if he didn’t die, if he didn’t get sick?

It all came of a sudden. He just got a stoke and a few days later he passed.
Two days before he passed I was picked up by my mother after a decicion that was made a couple of months earlier. I was supposed to move home to her. I remember that when we were packing the car I saw my mother stand looking straight out in the forest with a empty look on her eyes. When I asked her what was going on she told me it wasn’t anything. After about an hour we stopped at a gas station. I got some candy, a magazine and a Red Bull. I remember that I had a poster of Green Day in the car. I got back to the car and mom had the same look om her eyes. This time when I asked her she told me:
“If I don’t tell you now you are going to hate me for the rest of your life. Your grandmother called. He didn’t make it”. I threw myself into the car and I cried and screamt. It happened, something I’d never could imagine. My father was dead.
At the furneral we played “Wake Me Up When September Ends”. Even though my father died in June, Green Day was something we justed to enjoy both of us. I started crying the moment we got into the church. I stood by the coffin alone for almost 10 minutes alone during the furneral. When it was time to burry the coffin… I broke down in front of the empty whole in the ground. I sat there for the entire time. My mother and my childhood friend tried almost lifting me up. I didn’t move. As soon as the furneral was over I left. I didn’t stay to spend time with the family, I couldn’t stand being around them, not without my daddy.
It’s been 3 and a half year.

Last year I almost lost my mother to the illness she had been suffering from the past 30 years. I have never been so scared. I was about to lose my only parent alive. If we got the call only a couple of days later my mother wouldn’t have survived, the call that they had a new organ for my dear mother.

Oh wow. I just realized how much I wrote. How it started with how important the music was for mine and my father’s relationship to explaining the death qmd furneral of my father to how I almost lost my mother. I hope this won’t depress you. I just needed to share this. I couldn’t stand carrying it alone at the moment.

School, school and school?

So it’s the new year and January which means that I need to start searching to school.
And what I really want is music, so it’s a bunch of schools, practice and writing.

1. AMB – music and high school
2. Hödaligsfolkhögskola – music.
3. Mellanselsfolkhögskola -music.

And a lot more…

I’m really insecure and never feel that I’m good enough, I played 7 or 8 times today and I am not satisfied. So I am calling it a day and I am going to continue tomorrow.

All the feelings.

I generally don’t like to write when I am upset, but right now I can’t make head or tails about my feelings.Yet alone what to do about it.

We have had a huge argument tonight at home. It started about 23.50 I believe and now it’s around 2 am.
My mother broke my heart saying I don’t understand how sick she’s truly been, just because I haven’t been at home all the time, but instead in foster-care.
I SAVED MY MOTHER’S LIVE.
Even when I wasn’t at home.
I want so much of my mother, she is on a pedestal in my eyes, amazing, strong, independent. She is an inspiration to me. But I want things of her that she can’t give.

I really love my mother, and I put so much of my own life away to save hers. I have done all that I can to make sure she would live another day. I did it all because of love, and I honestly don’t know what to do without her.
It’s clear to me that she doesn’t understand how much I have really done, she even told me tonight that she had no idea.
My stepfather actually helped me, he defended me against my mother and told her what I actually have done for her.
I always get to hear from her friends, from people that are supposed to help me and my mother herself how bad I make her feel, and that she is tired and needs a break away from me. How much I ruin for her, and how much I take for her.

Sure, I take, but I gave all I could as well.
I gave myself away, because without her I’d be lost.
She is my only family together with my grandmother, when father died I had nothing, but her. My grandmother lost herself at that point and I fell into depression.
I love my mother more than I love myself.
And If I’d have to do it again, I would without a doubt.
I gave my mother all the time I had, she is always on my mind. I am always worried about her, I don’t want to leave her alone, because I don’t know if she will survive.

I took care of her as a child and at that time I saved her life for the first time, and since then I can’t let her go, I just want to take care of her and protect her.
But I want to be taken care of, I want her to protect me.
I don’t want her to take my fights, I want her support. I want her to stand by my side and hold my hand when I need her to.
I feel so alone, I don’t know what to do.
I have taken care of her for so long and now I just want her to do the same for me.

It’s wrong of me to feel this way, I know it’s all my fault.
But I dream of the day she will just hug me so I just can cry and let it all out.
I know it’s all my fault, I know I am the reason why she feels this way.
I know I am a failure, and I take all of her time. I know I shouldn’t care anything about myself, I know that I should continue taking care of her. I know that she’s done her best, I know she’s done what she could. I know I should feel guilty. I know I should take the blame. I know I should take the fall. I know I am an awful person that doesn’t deserve to live. I don’t deserve to be happy. I know that all I do is wrong.
But I still feel like it’s not all my fault.

I wanted to play drums, with friends. Start a band, playing at school and in a junk-filled garage. I wanted to make music, but today… I can’t play, because I feel like I suck and it’s not the same to play alone.

The doctors took a lot of test of my blood and found nothing. I don’t know what it could be making me feel this way. The stress causes another type of pain, in another place. Nothing of what I feel now I felt before when I have been stressed or upset.
Even now as I write I feel something else, because of the mental pain.
It’s not the same.
Coming my way, doctors, hospitals, more investigation.

I feel lost. All these feelings.
I am a misfit, a failure. A nobody. A no one. Nothing.
I am not who I used to be.

I saw the stars every night. And now I don’t know who I am, all these feelings I can’t deal with. I am so far away from myself and I have so much to work with.
Right now I see no stars.
Only broken dreams.

I know my new year’s resolutions:
(NOT IN ORDER)
1. Lose weight.
2. Start studying.
3. Play more drums.
4. Make friends.
5. Try starting a band.
6. Working with my mental health.
7. Working on my mother’s and my relationship.
8. Go back home.
9. Visit my friends.
10. Visit my grandmother.
11. Visit my father’s grave.
12. Trying to make up with my family.
13. Become my own friend, not enemy.
14. Create memories to remember, good ones.
15. Become a better christian.
16. Get my love.

I want to see the stars again, I want to become myself again.
The fun, honest, naive, adventurous, trusting, loyal person I once was.
I really grieve my father right now to, y’know Christmas?

Out of Place.

Today, more or less, everything feel wrong.
Like I lost my place, my goal.

It was pitch black at 7am when I was supposed to leave my warm bed to get ready.
Bible studies got canceled and I felt like I don’t belong at theraphy.

The day is grey and cold.
People ain’t smiling. Just passing by.

My inspiration, gone.
The worries are taking over.
Worries about school, my future, my friends,  my mother, my two “Lovers”, money, the world, nature, God, Satan, selfharm, drugs, bulimia, sex, pain, talents, drums.

I don’t know where I stand, even less where the people closes to me stands.
What am I supposed to do to make it better?
Is this bad feeling just my own fault?
Am I the one to blame?

When I come home I hope to get my shit together and play some drums. To feel I am good enough, to be good enough.

Writing out the worries and the pain.
To read my bible and say my prayers.

Everything feels out of place.
Out of order.