LGBT.

You can’t choose your gender, your parents, the color of you skin or your eyes.

There are many things here in life we can controll. Life, love and death.
“You can’t choose who to fall in love with, but you can choose who you want to spend your life with”.

Life, love and death are things we can’t control even if we can make some active choices like where to study and where to live. We can’t choose not to get diabetes or cancer. We can’t choose when to fall in love or who fall in love with.
Then how can you ask how people choose to be gay? You don’t get to choose your sexuality, but you get to decide what to do with the gift you have been given.

My biggest pride is my sexuality and I am not alone feeling like this. It’s a gift, a blessing.

I read the news the other day where it said something about a lawyer for Cali wanting the right to execute homosexuals and anyone supporting LGBT.
At first it made me laugh, and so the time after that, and after that, and so on.

How can people think it’s so wrong being gay when they are ready to kill a person just because they are different than themselves? Isn’t there something wrong with them?
We are all people. We are all born and we all die. We are all human.

At least I am not an alien, I am a human as far as I know.  Last time I checked I was.

The LGBT community is NOT the biggest danger to our world. In fact it’s not dangerous at all. It’s about love, try a little love. It’s not going to kill you.

The biggest danger to our community in my opinion is fear, recklessness, stubbornness, self-righteous, selfishness and hate.

A little faith can’t hurt you.

And for those of you who are believers of God and his word.
How come divorce is okay when homosexuality is not?
Isn’t God supposed to be about love?

Stop believing that you are God.
Stop believing that you are always right.
Stop fearing what you can understand.

Homosexuals (or whatever your sexuality is) and the supporters of LGBT we are also human. We make mistakes and all of us are not good. Just like not every straight person is a good person.

Get down from your high horse and go and pray.

The long run.

I don’t want an easy way out, I don’t want a fast way out. I want to run the long run.

There are times when I am grateful over what I’ve got, but I need time to see that. When I had time to react, when I had time to think. Every blessing, every challenge. I am grateful for the long run.

When I play drums I get a huge anxiety taking over. It leaves me in tears, anger and frustration. I scream and I cry. I hate my self and think that I am never good enough, that I will never be the drummer I want to be. But when I play with my friends I feel comfortable and safe. When I dig myself down in a deep hole in the dark, the pull me out of it. When I get hyper and start dreaming and running around like a maniac the pull me down on earth. They believe in me, even if I don’t believe in myself. Even my friends who haven’t heard me play, they believe in me. And for me it makes it all worth it.

When I can’t write and I end up writing something that I am almost completely satisfied with I show it to my friends. Some of them understands what I write, others don’t. They don’t criticize me for my writing, they praise me for what they think is an amazing gift. They ask me if I wrote something new, they believe I can do it, and just as my drumming, they believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself. They make me feel like even if I don’t like my own work I can do something.

My blog, oh yes, my blog. I love writing here. Even if a lot of people don’t read it, or never will, I know that people read my blog and maybe my words make a difference for the ones who does. And that makes me continue, even if it’s not everyday.

I am grateful for what I have been trough, I get to learn and grow as a person. I might be able to make something with all of my experiences one day, and that inspires me a lot.

As humans we get impulses, but it’s worth waiting it out. It’s hard and even boring sometimes, but by waiting it out we keep ourselves for doing something drastic.

The doctors I meet want me to go trough a surgery that will make me loose weight, but I don’t want that. I won’t be proud over myself if I let them do that. I will miss out on experiences and people I might meet. I won’t get to feel the feeling of doing something so important, it is important to me to do it by myself. Because then I will know I put my heart into it and I made something out of it.
It’s hard. I used to want to die every time I saw myself in the mirror, I just wanted to kill myself at the spot I was standing. Already after this short time I feel a difference, I can see myself in my own reflection of the bathroom mirror and I see a change that I made happen, just by setting a goal and putting my heart and soul into it.

I don’t want the easy way out, no matter how hard things will be.
I’d never be a Green Day fan. I’d never learn how to play drums. I’d never learnt how to write. I’d never met the people I know today. I wouldn’t know what I do. I wouldn’t appreciate the little things, I wouldn’t have found God.
I wouldn’t be me and I wouldn’t inspire the people I do inspire.

Just by taking the long run I get to do all these things in my life. I get to learn new things and I get to do things I’d never thought I would. I wouldn’t have got to know all these good people.

Even if times are hard and you meet people that makes you feel like crap, it get’s better. You will feel better, you will learn who to deal with things you never thought you could. And most important, you will meet the people that you are supposed too.

The long run is worth it.
The long run will lead you to where you are supposed to be.
Have faith, have patience.
Because it’s all worth it in the end.

Music.

I am having a moment when I sit and listen to music with tears in my eyes. With a feeling of that I am missing someone, and I do.
My father.

Me and my father’s relationship wasn’t good at all, but we had something that we shared. Music. I swear I have NEVER seen my father so proud of me as he was when I sat behind the drums playing in front of an audience.

I’d really need him to tell me not to give up on music right now. He truly knew how to make me believe in myself. He knew what to say to make me believe I had a chance to be successful in music.

Me and my mother can sit and listen to music, but we don’t share the music like me and my father actually did.

I love and miss my father, I truly do. It’s just complicated. I am angry and sad with him. I wish things would have been different, but we somehow gave up. Our relationship didn’t seem to get any better. Maybe he felt guilt for what he did to me or for what he put me trough, but I am ashamed for what happened. I can’t forgive myself leaving when he was sick. I just couldn’t believe he would die. In my eyes he was strong, a fighter. The fact tjat he’d die didn’t excist in my world.

This summer it’s four years ago that he died. I will never forget the day my mother told me he passed. I will never forget the furneral.
He was supposed to turn 45 only a month later, next year he would habe turned 50. What would that have been like? What would my life look like if he didn’t die, if he didn’t get sick?

It all came of a sudden. He just got a stoke and a few days later he passed.
Two days before he passed I was picked up by my mother after a decicion that was made a couple of months earlier. I was supposed to move home to her. I remember that when we were packing the car I saw my mother stand looking straight out in the forest with a empty look on her eyes. When I asked her what was going on she told me it wasn’t anything. After about an hour we stopped at a gas station. I got some candy, a magazine and a Red Bull. I remember that I had a poster of Green Day in the car. I got back to the car and mom had the same look om her eyes. This time when I asked her she told me:
“If I don’t tell you now you are going to hate me for the rest of your life. Your grandmother called. He didn’t make it”. I threw myself into the car and I cried and screamt. It happened, something I’d never could imagine. My father was dead.
At the furneral we played “Wake Me Up When September Ends”. Even though my father died in June, Green Day was something we justed to enjoy both of us. I started crying the moment we got into the church. I stood by the coffin alone for almost 10 minutes alone during the furneral. When it was time to burry the coffin… I broke down in front of the empty whole in the ground. I sat there for the entire time. My mother and my childhood friend tried almost lifting me up. I didn’t move. As soon as the furneral was over I left. I didn’t stay to spend time with the family, I couldn’t stand being around them, not without my daddy.
It’s been 3 and a half year.

Last year I almost lost my mother to the illness she had been suffering from the past 30 years. I have never been so scared. I was about to lose my only parent alive. If we got the call only a couple of days later my mother wouldn’t have survived, the call that they had a new organ for my dear mother.

Oh wow. I just realized how much I wrote. How it started with how important the music was for mine and my father’s relationship to explaining the death qmd furneral of my father to how I almost lost my mother. I hope this won’t depress you. I just needed to share this. I couldn’t stand carrying it alone at the moment.