All the feelings.

I generally don’t like to write when I am upset, but right now I can’t make head or tails about my feelings.Yet alone what to do about it.

We have had a huge argument tonight at home. It started about 23.50 I believe and now it’s around 2 am.
My mother broke my heart saying I don’t understand how sick she’s truly been, just because I haven’t been at home all the time, but instead in foster-care.
I SAVED MY MOTHER’S LIVE.
Even when I wasn’t at home.
I want so much of my mother, she is on a pedestal in my eyes, amazing, strong, independent. She is an inspiration to me. But I want things of her that she can’t give.

I really love my mother, and I put so much of my own life away to save hers. I have done all that I can to make sure she would live another day. I did it all because of love, and I honestly don’t know what to do without her.
It’s clear to me that she doesn’t understand how much I have really done, she even told me tonight that she had no idea.
My stepfather actually helped me, he defended me against my mother and told her what I actually have done for her.
I always get to hear from her friends, from people that are supposed to help me and my mother herself how bad I make her feel, and that she is tired and needs a break away from me. How much I ruin for her, and how much I take for her.

Sure, I take, but I gave all I could as well.
I gave myself away, because without her I’d be lost.
She is my only family together with my grandmother, when father died I had nothing, but her. My grandmother lost herself at that point and I fell into depression.
I love my mother more than I love myself.
And If I’d have to do it again, I would without a doubt.
I gave my mother all the time I had, she is always on my mind. I am always worried about her, I don’t want to leave her alone, because I don’t know if she will survive.

I took care of her as a child and at that time I saved her life for the first time, and since then I can’t let her go, I just want to take care of her and protect her.
But I want to be taken care of, I want her to protect me.
I don’t want her to take my fights, I want her support. I want her to stand by my side and hold my hand when I need her to.
I feel so alone, I don’t know what to do.
I have taken care of her for so long and now I just want her to do the same for me.

It’s wrong of me to feel this way, I know it’s all my fault.
But I dream of the day she will just hug me so I just can cry and let it all out.
I know it’s all my fault, I know I am the reason why she feels this way.
I know I am a failure, and I take all of her time. I know I shouldn’t care anything about myself, I know that I should continue taking care of her. I know that she’s done her best, I know she’s done what she could. I know I should feel guilty. I know I should take the blame. I know I should take the fall. I know I am an awful person that doesn’t deserve to live. I don’t deserve to be happy. I know that all I do is wrong.
But I still feel like it’s not all my fault.

I wanted to play drums, with friends. Start a band, playing at school and in a junk-filled garage. I wanted to make music, but today… I can’t play, because I feel like I suck and it’s not the same to play alone.

The doctors took a lot of test of my blood and found nothing. I don’t know what it could be making me feel this way. The stress causes another type of pain, in another place. Nothing of what I feel now I felt before when I have been stressed or upset.
Even now as I write I feel something else, because of the mental pain.
It’s not the same.
Coming my way, doctors, hospitals, more investigation.

I feel lost. All these feelings.
I am a misfit, a failure. A nobody. A no one. Nothing.
I am not who I used to be.

I saw the stars every night. And now I don’t know who I am, all these feelings I can’t deal with. I am so far away from myself and I have so much to work with.
Right now I see no stars.
Only broken dreams.

I know my new year’s resolutions:
(NOT IN ORDER)
1. Lose weight.
2. Start studying.
3. Play more drums.
4. Make friends.
5. Try starting a band.
6. Working with my mental health.
7. Working on my mother’s and my relationship.
8. Go back home.
9. Visit my friends.
10. Visit my grandmother.
11. Visit my father’s grave.
12. Trying to make up with my family.
13. Become my own friend, not enemy.
14. Create memories to remember, good ones.
15. Become a better christian.
16. Get my love.

I want to see the stars again, I want to become myself again.
The fun, honest, naive, adventurous, trusting, loyal person I once was.
I really grieve my father right now to, y’know Christmas?