Dear daddy.

There is a lot left unspoken.
It’s been four years since you left us.
Even after four years I lack words.

But I know, that because of you I will make it. All the anger, tears and nightmares. The sorrow, love, hope and pride.
Being left with a loss and painful memories.

You haven’t been around for some time now, but the pain is still strong.
I never stop wondering how things could have been between us.

Four years, it might as well just have been yesterday you passed.
Days go by, but the whole in my heart will never be filled.
Weeks go by, but the feelings won’t change.
Years won’t make me love, hate or miss you any less.

4 years I’ve been away.
4 years you’ve been dead.
I’m back home now.
Won’t you come back to life?

The first year was filled with nightmares.
You would die, I’d bury you. We got to grandmother’s and you would stand there on her porch with your stupid smile. Everyone forgot and acted like normal while I’d freak out. Crying, screaming and hitting you, I never forgot.
Some nights you told me I was right, other nights you’d just be alive again.
For a year I woke up screaming, crying, hitting, kicking or by mother waking me up because I freaked out in my sleep.
The nights you’d just be alive was the worst. Because when I’d wake up I had to realize it was just a dream.

I remember the last thing you said to me.
I remember the last time you looked at me.
I remember the last time I saw you.

How am I supposed to get over this?
Mom even got angry with me and told me to “get over it”.
How could I?

I’ve had this mask on since you died. A mask saying it’s all OK, and when mom started getting angry with me I started putting it on around her too.

Truth is… I miss you and I want you back.
I don’t want to hate you.
I don’t want to be hurt.
I don’t want to be angry.
It’s just easier.

When I see myself in a mirror I remind myself of you. I see your anger in me.

I’m daddy’s girl, and I always will be your girl.

I remember how you looked at me when I sat behind the drums and I want to make it.
I want to make it for your sake as well as my own and for others.
The bound you and I shared when it comes to music I today only share with Ida.

I’ll make you proud,
I’ll give your death a meaning.

You’re gone and never coming back.

“Lars Nilsson
12/7-1966 – 5/6-2011
Älskad – Saknad
Far, bror
och son
Vila i frid”

Jag älskar dig pappa.